“I believe I will,” he said. “You always told me your bulk was all muscle. Well, as it turns out that was a big, fat lie. It’s all flab, just like I thought.”
“It’s not flab. It is muscle. I just have too much of it is all.”
“You can’t have too much muscle,” he said, flexing his shoulder muscles. “No, just admit it, Max. You are one flabby tabby.”
Dooley laughed at this, but when I turned my scowl on him, he quickly stopped.
“Guys,” said Harriet urgently. “I don’t think Donna was referring to Dexter’s sausage after all. Her blog post was all about his… performance.”
I noticed her ears had taken on a reddish tinge, and her eyes were glittering brightly.“Performance? What performance?” I asked. Anything was better than to have to listen to Brutus’s taunts about my ‘bulk.’
“I think she was referring to his… sexual performance,” she said. She then turned to us, eyes wide. “I think a wiener is… a pee-pee.”
Now we were all staring at the screen, eagerly drinking in the details of Donna Bruce’s blog post. I’m not a great reader, but it soon became clear to me that the article was a lot more revealing than any human male would have appreciated. Not only was there a lot of talk about Dexter’s pee-pee and its lack of size and performance, there was also a long bit about his endurance or lack thereof. All in all, the piece wasn’t entirely flattering to Donna’s boy toy, and I could understand why the two of them hadn’t been a couple at the time of Donna’s untimely demise.
“But why would she write all that?” I asked. “That’s just a lot of very private stuff.”
“Some people are like that,” said Harriet knowingly. “They just enjoy sharing all of their private things with the world.”
“Judging from that TMZ article Dexter didn’t agree.”
“No, it must have hurt his chances with other females,” said Brutus. “No woman likes a guy with a small pee-pee.” When I frowned at him, he quickly added, “At least that’s what I’m guessing. Personally I have no problem in that department.”
Harriet gave him a small smile.“No, you definitely don’t.”
“Size matters,” said Dooley knowingly, and we all turned to him. “It does,” he said defensively. “The bigger the sausage the more meat. And we all like meat, don’t we?”
I slapped my brow.“Dooley, do you still think Donna was writing about meat?”
“Of course she was. A wiener is a kind of sausage. That’s what you just said.”
“It’s also a pee-pee,” I said. “Which is what Harriet just said.”
“What is a pee-pee?” asked Dooley with a frown.
Harriet groaned.“Oh, Dooley.”
Chapter 14
Odelia and Chase found Tad Rip, the illustrious ex-husband of whom they’d heard so much by now, presiding over lunch while a nanny had a hard time keeping his two boys in check. Sweetums and Honeychild turned out to be six-year-old twins, and quite a handful. Mr. Rip himself appeared distraught when Odelia and Chase were led out onto the patio by an assistant. The house where he lived was still under construction, as bare bulbs dangled from the concrete ceiling and boxes stood piled up all over the place.
“Don’t mind the mess,” said Tad, who looked like a million bucks in a power suit and a stylish pair of expensive sunglasses. “I just moved in last week.” He gave them an apologetic grimace. “Great timing, as it turns out.”
“Our condolences for your loss,” said Odelia as she took the proffered seat at the table.
“Thanks. Donna and I were divorced but she was still the mother of my boys. Cut it out, will you!” he hollered at the two rascals, who were hitting their nanny with super soakers. The girl screamed, trying to evade the twin beams of water.
“I didn’t know the kids were with you,” said Chase, looking out across the immaculately landscaped garden. At least that part of the house was ready. “It was my understanding that Mrs. Bruce had sole custody and denied you visitation rights?”
“She did,” said Tad as he removed his sunglasses and rubbed his eyes. “But lately we’d become civil with each other again. We were even on speaking terms—we just talked last night, actually, mainly about the boys’ future. Our divorce might have been acrimonious but for the sake of Sweetums and Honeychild we decided to put our differences aside and work things out. Which is why I moved back out here—to be closer to the boys. I was going to have them every weekend while they spent the week with their mother.”
“What’s going to happen now?” asked Odelia.
The man shrugged, and she noticed the bags under his eyes.“No idea. I guess I’ll have them full-time from now on. Not what I was counting on but I’ll manage. I’ll have to.”
They stared out at the kids, who were now chasing the nanny around the yard.“They seem to have taken the news pretty well,” said Chase.
“It hasn’t sunk in yet. I told them this morning what happened—that their mommy now lives with the angels in heaven, looking down on them from up above. They thought that was pretty cool. Like Superwoman. I guess it’ll take them some time to come to terms with the whole thing.”
