He swaggered back to the couch. You d think, but I only got my hands on it eleven years ago. It was my dear old mum s house, and her dad s before her. It s like a family heirloom. Got a team of architects up from Edinburgh to gut the place and completely redesign it to my personal specifications. He pointed down. Floor s Italian marble. They wanted to use slate, but I insisted. Told them: Sensational Steve knows what he wants.
What Sensational Steve wanted was dragging outside and being given a stiff kicking.
Wow. Dr McDonald gave a little gasp. You know what would be great: a tour, would you show us round, Sensational Steve, I d love that.
For you, little lady, anything.
And that s big enough for eight people. He nodded at the Jacuzzi. I think we ve seen the lot now.
Dr McDonald held up a hand and counted things off on her fingers:
Four bedrooms, one recording studio, one study, dining room, kitchen, conservatory, wine cellar, three bathrooms, living room She scrunched her face up like a happy chipmunk.
It s just the best!
Yeah, there was nothing better than getting a self-important tosser to show you around his house, boasting about how expensive and exclusive everything was. Great way to spend half an hour. And listening to Dr McDonald fawning over every word made it extra special.
Could she lay it on any thicker if she tried?
We followed Steven Wallace through to the front hall lined with yet more photos of himself.
He pointed at Dr McDonald. Don t move a muscle, I ll be back in a tick. And then he was off up the stairs, taking them two at a time. A minute later he returned with one of those teddy bears and a glossy photograph. An eight-by-ten of his own cheesy face signed in chunky black marker. He waggled the bear.
I saw you admiring the Cuddle Crew when we were talking earlier. Here, you can hug him all night and think of Sensational Steve.
Dear God, I was going to be sick.
She took the bear and the photo, bouncing on her toes as if she was about to wet herself. Thanks, they re great, I ll treasure them forever! Then she leapt forwards, kissed him on the cheek, blushed, and ran out of the front door.
Steven Wallace preened himself, then turned the Colgate grin on me. And if I can be of any further assistance, you let me know, OK? Sensational Steve is always glad to help.
I shifted my mobile to the other ear. Yes, I spoke to him. I said I would, didn t I? Gravel crunched beneath my feet as I followed the path between a pair of huge rhododendrons their seed heads like alien eyes on their dark bodies, leaves glistening sickly yellow in the sodium light.
On the other end of the phone, Michelle took a deep breath.
He won t be round again? You promise?
If he is, it ll be the last thing he does, and he knows it. The path wound through Cameron Park, the edges choked with weeds. One of the SOC tents was up ahead, its walls glowing through a copse of skeletal beech trees.
I don t want him anywhere near us, Ash. I I can t.
He won t be round again.
Dr McDonald scuffed along the path behind me.
Thanks Michelle cleared her throat, forced a little cheer into her voice. Have you booked somewhere for Katie s party yet?
Did she tell you she wants to go pony-trekking this year?
Have you booked somewhere?
Yes, I ve booked somewhere. I told you last time. I checked my watch still time to get something organized. How many of her friends need to go play on the horsies with her? Four? Five? A dozen?
Her birthday s on Monday, Ash: you need to get this sorted.
I ll get it sorted. For God s I stopped on the path, rubbed at my eyes. How did this go from, Thank you, Ash, you re my saviour! to roasting my knackers over an open flame?
Silence from the other end.
I stared up at the heavy dark-orange sky. OK, OK: I ll book it for six of them
More silence.
Then Dr McDonald was right at my shoulder, talking far too loud in a fake Glasgow accent. Scuse me, Constable Henderson, the guvnor wants to see youse, but.
I looked around. There was no one there, just the two of us.
She mimed hanging up a phone, still clutching that bloody teddy bear.
Michelle, I ve got to go. Work.
I I m sorry. I do appreciate you talking to Ethan. Thank you. And then Michelle was gone.
Dr McDonald grinned. Looked like you needed a get-out-of-jail-free card.
I kept walking towards the glowing SOC tent.
Ash?
Still had two days left to organize Katie s pony-trekking and hire somewhere to corral a bunch of thirteen-year-old girls while they screeched their way through cake and ice cream. Two days and six hundred quid. How hard could it be?
Dr McDonald popped up at my shoulder again. Are you not speaking to me, I mean, you barely looked at me when we were at that last house interviewing Mrs Goddard, did I do something to
I jumped my voice up an octave. Oh, Sensational Steve, you re so sensational, I mean really marvellous and lovely, and your house is so special, and you re special, and I ll treasure this moment forever!
She skipped alongside, scuffing through the gravel. I was pretty convincing, wasn t I?
