Ice formed in the still places among the rocks at the river's edge and in my wet hair. My breath hung in clouds about my head. High above, the stars shone as flame-points of silvery light, solid as the iron-hard winter ground and silent as the night around me.
Again, and yet again, I poured the freezing water over my body, enforcing the virtue of the penance I had chosen. "Kyrie eleison…" I gasped. "Lord, have mercy!"
In this way, I held my vigil, and would have maintained it thus if I had not been distracted by the appearance of two brother monks bearing torches. I heard someone approaching and turned my stiff neck to see them clambering down the steep riverbank, holding their torches high.
"Aidan! Aidan!" one of them called. It was Tuam, the bursar, with young Dda, the cook's helper. The two slid to a halt on the bank and stood for a moment, peering out over the moving water. "We have been looking for you."
"You have found me," I replied through clenched teeth.
"You are to come out of there," Tuam said.
"When I have finished."
"Abbot has summoned everyone." The bursar stooped, picked up my cloak, and held it out to me.
"How did you know I was here?" I asked, wading towards the bank.
"Ruadh knew," Dda answered, offering his hand to help me climb the slippery bank. "He told us where to find you."
I held up frozen hands to them and each took one and pulled me from the water. I reached to pick up my mantle, but my fingers were numb and shaking so badly I could not grasp it. Tuam quickly spread my cloak over my shoulders. "I thank you, brother," I murmured, pulling the cloak around me.
"Can you walk?" Tuam asked.
"Where are we going?" I wondered, shivering violently.
"To the cave," Dda replied, a glint of mystery in his eye. I gathered the rest of my clothes, clutching them to my chest, and they started away.
I followed, but my feet were numb and my legs shook so badly that I stumbled and fell three times before Tuam and Dda came to my aid; supporting me between them, we made our way along the river path.
The monks of Cenannus na Rig did not always meet in the cave. Indeed, only on the most important occasions was it so-and then rarely were we all together. Though my companions would say nothing more, I discerned from their secretive manner that something extraordinary was to happen. In this, I was not wrong.
As Tuam had said, everyone had been called and all were assembled by the time we reached the sanctorum speluncae. We entered quickly and took our places with the others. Still shaking, I drew on my mantle and cloak, dressing as quickly as my fumbling hands allowed.
Observing our arrival, the abbot stepped forward and raised his hand in blessing. "We watch, we fast, we study," Abbot Fraoch said, his voice a rasping croak in the domed chamber of the cave. "And this night we pray." He paused, a shepherd pleased at the gathering of his flock. "Brothers, we pray God's guidance and blessing on the choice before us, for this night the Cele De will be chosen." He paused-as if searching us one last time. "May God's mind be in us, and may God's wisdom be made manifest among us. Amen!"
All those gathered replied, "Amen! So be it!"
So, it has come at last, I thought, and my heart quickened. The waiting is at an end; this night the decision will be made.
"Brothers, to prayer!" With that Abbot Fraoch sank to the floor, prostrating himself before the little stone altar.
No more was said; no more needed saying. Indeed, we had leeched all meaning from the words long ago through endless discussion and debate. Thus, having watched and fasted and studied through the dark months, we now sought the blessing of the heavenly throne. We lay down upon the bare rock floor of the cave and abandoned ourselves to prayer. The air in the cave was dense with the warmth of so many bodies, and thick with the smoke and scent of the candles. I knelt, doubled over upon myself, arms extended and head touching the stone floor, listening as the whispered invocations filled the cave with a familiar drone.
Gradually, the murmuring abated and after a time a silence deep and calm as the gravemound returned to the cave. But for the soft flaring of the candles as they fluttered, and the slow, regular breathing of the monks, not a sound could be heard. We might have been the last men on earth; we might have been the dead of another age awaiting our return to life.
I prayed as fervently as ever I have in my life. I sought wisdom and guidance, and my seeking was sincere, I swear it! I prayed:
King of the Mysteries, who wast and art,
Before the elements, before the ages,
King eternal, comely in aspect,
who reigns for ever, grant me three things:
Keenness to discern your will,
Wisdom to understand it,
Courage to follow where it leads.
