Ruadh was, as I say, secnab of our community, second only to Abbot Fraoch in the monastic hierarchy. He was also my confessor and guide-my anamcara, my soul friend, responsible for my spiritual health and progress.
I drew the stool to the fire's edge and held my hands to it, waiting for him to speak. The room, like most of the others, was a bare stone cell with a single small windhole in one wall, and a straw sleeping pallet on the floor. Ruadh's bulga, his leather book satchel, hung on its strap from a peg above the pallet, and a basin of water sat at the foot of the bed. Candles stood in iron candletrees, and on stones on the floor. The only other adornment in the room was a stone shelf which held a small wooden cross.
Many and many were the times we had sat together in this simple hut, deep in conversation over a point of theology, or unsnarling one of the numerous tangles in my wayward soul's knotted skein. I realized that this might be the last time I would sit with my soul friend. Instantly, a deep melancholy overcame me and I felt another pain of parting-oh, and there were many more partings to come.
"Well, Aidan," Ruadh said, glancing up from the fire after a moment, "you have achieved your heart's desire. How does it feel?"
"Sure, I am delighted," I replied; my sudden lack of enthusiasm declared otherwise, however.
"Truly?" Ruadh wondered. "It seems to me you express your joy in a most dour manner, Aidan."
"I am well pleased," I insisted. "It has been my only thought since I first learned of the bishop's plan, as you well know."
"And now that you have won your will, you begin to see another side to the thing," he suggested.
"I have had time to consider the matter in greater detail," I said, "and I find the abbot's decision has not made me so happy as I expected."
"Did you imagine it would bring you happiness? Is that why you wanted it so badly?"
"No, Confessor," I protested quickly. "It is just that I am beginning to understand how much I am leaving behind when I go."
"It is to be expected." He nodded sympathetically. "Indeed, I have heard it said that in order to go anywhere, one must leave the place where he is and arrive somewhere else." He pursed his lips and stroked his chin. "Although I am no authority in such matters, I am persuaded that this may be true."
My heart lightened somewhat at his gentle wit. "As always, your wisdom is unassailable, Confessor."
"Remember, Aidan," he said, leaning forward slightly, "never doubt in the darkness that which you believed in the light. Also, this: unless the pilgrim carry with him the thing he seeks, he will not find it when he arrives."
"I will remember."
He leaned back in his chair once more. "Now then, what preparations will you make?"
I had not given a thought to any specific preparations. "It occurs to me," I began slowly, "that a fast would be appropriate-a tredinus, I believe, would prepare me for-"
Ruadh stopped me. "A three-day fast is truly commendable," he agreed quickly. "But as we are even now observing Lent, rather than adding fast to fast, might I suggest another discipline? A spiritual fast, if you like."
"Yes?"
"Make peace with those you are leaving behind," he said. "If anyone has hurt you, or if there is anyone you hold grievance against-now is the time to set matters right."
I opened my mouth to object that I bore no one any ill, but Ruadh continued: "Hear me, my son, it is not a thing to be dismissed lightly. I would have you regard this as a matter worthy of your highest consideration."
"If you insist, Confessor," I replied, somewhat confused by his vehemence. "Still, I think a fast would be most beneficial. I could do both."
"You are not thinking, Aidan," he said. "Think! There is a time to fast, and a time to feast. The journey you will make is most arduous. Hardship and privation are the least dangers you will face."
"Certainly, Secnab, I am well aware of the dangers."
"Are you?" he asked. "I wonder."
I said nothing.
Ruadh leaned towards me across the fire. "Now is the time to gather strength for the journey, son. Eat well, drink well, sleep and take your ease while you may-store up your vigour against the day when it will be required."
"If you think it best, Confessor," I said, "then I will do it."
As if he had not heard me, Ruadh said, "Soon you will leave this place-perhaps forever, it must be said. Therefore, you must go with a free and easy heart. When you leave, leave with peace in your soul so that you may face whatever dangers come upon you with courage and fortitude undiminished, secure in the knowledge that you hold no enmity for any man, and no man holds enmity for you."
"As you will, Confessor," I replied.
"Ah! You have not heard a single word. Do not do it for me, son-I am not the one going to Byzantium." He regarded me with mild impatience. "Well, think about what I have said." He took up his scroll once again, signalling an end to our conversation.
"Trust that I will do as you advise," I replied, rising to my feet.
"Peace be with you, Aidan."
