‘ “I must not be excited; I must know what I am doing,” I said to myself without looking at her and at the nurse. The nurse was screaming – calling for the maid. I went down the passage, sent the maid, and went into my study. “What am I to do now?” I asked myself, and immediately realized what it must be. On entering the study I went straight to the wall, took down a revolver and examined it – it was loaded – I put it on the table. Then I picked up the scabbard from behind the sofa and sat down there.
‘I sat thus for a long time. I did not think of anything or call anything to mind. I heard the sounds of bustling outside. I heard someone drive up, then someone else. Then I heard and saw Egór bring into the room my wicker trunk he had fetched. As if anyone wanted that!
‘ “Have you heard what has happened?” I asked. “Tell the yard-porter to inform the police.” He did not reply, and went away. I rose, locked the door, got out my cigarettes and matches and began to smoke. I had not finished the cigarette before sleep overpowered me. I must have slept for a couple of hours. I remember dreaming that she and I were friendly together, that we had quarrelled but were making it up, there was something rather in the way, but we were friends. I was awakened by someone knocking at the door. “That is the police!” I thought, waking up. “I have committed murder, I think. But perhaps it is
‘ “What do you want?” I asked rudely. I knew I ought not to be rude to her and had no reason to be, but I could think of no other tone to adopt.
‘ “Vásya, she is dying! Iván Zakhárych says so.” Iván Zakhárych was her doctor and adviser.
‘ “Is he here?” I asked, and all my animosity against her surged up again. “Well, what of it?”
‘ “Vásya, go to her. Oh, how terrible it is!” said she.
‘ “Shall I go to her?” I asked myself, and immediately decided that I must go to her. Probably it is always done, when a husband has killed his wife, as I had – he must certainly go to her. “If that is what is done, then I must go,” I said to myself. “If necessary I shall always have time,” I reflected, referring to the shooting of myself, and I went to her. “Now we shall have phrases, grimaces, but I will not yield to them,” I thought. “Wait,” I said to her sister, “it is silly without boots, let me at least put on slippers.”
XXVIII
‘WONDERFUL to say, when I left my study and went through the familiar rooms, the hope that nothing had happened again awoke in me; but the smell of that doctor’s nastiness – iodoform and carbolic – took me aback. “No, it had happened.” Going down the passage past the nursery I saw little Lisa. She looked at me with frightened eyes. It even seemed to me that all the five children were there and all looked at me. I approached the door, and the maid opened it from inside for me and passed out. The first thing that caught my eye was her light-grey dress thrown on a chair and all stained black with blood. She was lying on one of the twin beds (on mine because it was easier to get at), with her knees raised. She lay in a very sloping position supported by pillows, with her dressing jacket unfastened. Something had been put on the wound. There was a heavy smell of iodoform in the room. What struck me first and most of all was her swollen and bruised face, blue on part of the nose and under the eyes. This was the result of the blow with my elbow when she had tried to hold me back. There was nothing beautiful about her, but something repulsive as it seemed to me. I stopped on the threshold. “Go up to her, do,” said her sister. “Yes, no doubt she wants to confess,” I thought. “Shall I forgive her? Yes, she is dying and may be forgiven,” I thought, trying to be magnanimous. I went up close to her. She raised her eyes to me with difficulty, one of them was black, and with an effort said falteringly:
