Here, too (because of the sequel), I should tell the comic story of Hippobates, the old Senator who came to Theodora's audience one morning to appeal to her for justice against Chrysomallo's husband, one of her gentlemen-in-waiting, who owed him money. This Hippobates had once in the old days been brought by a friend – none other than the Demarch of the Blues – to spend an evening at the clubhouse. He was expected to choose one of the ladies to pair off with, while the Demarch chose another, but for some reason or other he did not feel equal to female company. Then instead of plainly confessing-as a man of honour would have done- that he was a Christian, or impotent, or that he preferred the other sex, or whatever else ailed him, he began to find fault with the physical charms offered him. Indaro was too tall and too square-shouldered, he said; and Theodora too skinny, and her mouth was too large; and my mistress had red hair, which he could not abide, and 'a mattock-shaped face'. I forget what was wrong with Chrysomallo – perhaps her hooked nose. Since he was a detestable old satyr, all felt relieved to be excused from entertaining him. Still, he had no right at all to criticize the ladies in this way, and his remarks were strongly resented. It was unfortunate that the Demarch had introduced him, for the ladies must keep on the very best terms with the Demarch. Otherwise, they would have punished him in the humiliating ways in which they were adept.
Theodora knew in advance that Hippobates was coming to appeal for the money, so she had everything carefully prepared for his reception. He entered with a very unhappy countenance, and grovelled most abjectly as he kissed her insteps, and pretended to weep. I do not think that he realized that Theodora the Empress was Theodora of the club-house, whom he had once insulted. She asked him kindly what his trouble was. He began in a most unbecoming beggar's whine:' Oh, Resplendency, it is a grievous matter for a patrician to be penniless. My creditors dog my steps, duns rap perpetually at my door, I have hardly a crust of bread in my house. I entreat you, most gracious and lovely Empress, to persuade your servant to pay me the money that he owes me.'
Theodora began: 'Oh, most excellent and Illustrious Hippobates
…' From behind the curtains a concealed choir of eunuchs, formed into two semi-choruses, broke into a mysterious, soft chant:
First Semi-chorus: Excellent Hippobates, You have a bald pate! Second Semi-chorus: Excellent Hippobates, You have a bad breath! Full Chorus: You have a big belly, Excellent Hippobates -Bald pate, bad breath, Big belly too!
She turned to my mistress: 'My dear Lady Antonina, did you hear a queer noise then?' 'No, Resplendency.' 'And you, Lady Chrysomallo?' 'Nodiing at all, Majesty.'
'It must have been a singing in my head. Proceed, Hippobates!'
Hippobates, not daring to notice what he had heard, nervously recommenced his petition: 'If a patrician like myself runs short of money, through no fault of his own, he is ashamed to mention the incongruous fact to his creditors. They would not at first wish to believe it. When they did finally realize that he was a beggar, he would have to suffer social disgrace as well as bankruptcy; and social disgrace, as you know, Your Loveliness…'
Theodora began again: 'Oh, most excellent and Illustrious Hippobates…' And again the concealed choir struck up, a little louder this time:
First Semi-chorus: Excellent Hippobates,
You have a humped back! Second Semi-Chorus: Excellent Hippobates, You have a hernia! Full Chorus: You have haemorrhoids, Excellent Hippobates -Hernia, humped back, Haemorrhoids too!
'Lady Chrysomallo, did you hear anything then?'
'No, Resplendency.'
'And you, Lady Antonina?'
'Not a murmur, Majesty.'
'I could have sworn I heard a sort of noise. But proceed, Hippobates!'
And still he had to pretend to have heard nothing himself. Each time he began his petition the choir broke in upon it, and each time the verses were increasingly scurrilous. In the end, he had to give it up, retiring in frantic discomfiture, but with the obligatory serene obeisance.
