‘I knew I was pregnant, and I didn’t dare tell Dad – he’d have killed me – and I had mum to look after, and my school stuff. I kept hoping I’d miscarry, and I hid my bump under loose clothes, ’cause I’m fat anyway. I told people I was bingeing on cream cakes and stuff. Oh, you’re a gorgeous cat, Tallulah …’ she paused to give me an extra cuddle, and gazed into my attentive eyes. ‘Even when he started moving, I kind of convinced myself it wasn’t true – I was in TOTAL denial, and so, so scared. I went into labour on the way to school and I was terrified, Tallulah – I ran away and sat in the churchyard. I thought about topping myself. I stayed there all day, until it got bad – really bad. I went in the toilets and he was born so quickly,’ her voice dropped to a whisper – ‘and the placenta came out too – it was terrible. Thank God no one wasin there, ’cause I was screaming and so was he. I thought I was gonna die. Then I cut the cord with nail scissors – it took ages – and all I had to wrap him in was a scarf … and he … he looked at me, and I can’t get his little face out of my mind. I panicked then, didn’t thinkabout anything except how I could get rid of him. I’m so wicked, Tallulah. I’m evil. I’ll never forgive myself … and I can’t tell anyone, only you.’
I listened and listened, and for the first time in my life, I felt needed. I was aware of an angel who was holding TammyLee in her shining arms.
‘I was fourteen,’ she whispered. ‘I was desperate … and I’m still desperate, Tallulah … I’m a prisoner, you see. Like you were, in that pen. I’m a prisoner.’
She rocked herself to and fro, her aura flooded with the memories. I tasted the intensity of her secret pain. But I was puzzled. Why was she a prisoner? And did that mean I would be one too? I put my paws around her neck and hugged her, purring a loud vibrational purr. That pain inside her needed to come out and, over time, I would coax it out with my purring, healing love. She hugged me back, and rocked me, and whispered,‘You’re a wonderful, fantabulous, gorgeous cat.’
I chose that moment to send her a strong message, that I wanted to go outside. She didn’t get it, so I jumped on to the windowsill and meowed, looking down at the tantalising garden.
‘Are you hungry?’ asked TammyLee.
I looked at the garden again and back into her eyes.
‘Oh, you want to go out? Of course you can, darling. Penny said to keep you in for a few days, but you’re not going to run away, are you, Tallulah? I’ll take you out after breakfast … but first …’
As she spoke, I heard Diana’s thin voice calling out:
‘I’m awake dear. Are you coming?’
‘Yes, I’ll be right there, Mum.’
TammyLee picked me up.
‘You can come and watch,’ she said. ‘I look after Mum. I’m her carer. I’ve gotta do everything for her. Get her up, help her wash and dress, then I do the housework and stuff. Then I go to school, but not today, ’cause it’s holiday, whatever that’s supposed to mean!’
She sounded bitter and tired, but as she carried me down a corridor and into her mum’s bedroom, everything changed, and, if I’d been a human, I’d have gasped in surprise.
The room she took me into was full of angels. One at each side of the bed head, and one on each side at the foot of the bed– they were still as water lilies, their colours lemon and white. They were so dazzling that I could hardly see their faces, or anything else in the room.
In that wonderful moment, I became my true soul self again, the Queen of Cats. I puffed out my fur, and my aura became huge, my eyes like bright suns as I sat soaking up the light from the angels, and purring so loudly that the vibration sent stardust whizzing through my aura. I looked round at each angel in turn, and realised that these were‘comfort angels’. I’d seen many of them in the spirit world, and they rarely moved, but just emanated love and stillness. Sometimes, they sent out tendrils of healing colour, and I noticed they were doing this to TammyLee as she stood by the bed. They were wrapping her in ribbons of love.
Then it hit me.
TammyLee couldn’t see the angels.
She couldn’t feel the waves of light from their love.
She was earthbound.
‘What a funny cat.’ TammyLee’s mum was saying. ‘Why is she sitting with her back to me … and what is she looking at?’
I turned round and saw Diana sitting up in bed, her cheeks hollow, her eyes dancing, her white hands stretching out to stroke me. I loved her straightaway.
‘I’m Diana,’ she said, ‘but you can call me Mum.’
She was a beautiful soul, and I decided to call her Diana, not Mum. I walked up to the bed and made a fuss of her, kissing her thin face.