May 25, 1968. These are very sad days for my spirit. What is it pressing so very heavy on my heart? Is it only the sadness of a bleeding, wounded heart, or is it something else? All the unfairness of society shows everyday. There are still worms and insects eating at the honor of the Party: if I don’t annihilate all those worms and insects they will destroy our love and belief in the Party. I am very sorry because I am still not in the ranks of Party members struggling to the end. Maybe because of that they hesitate to give me admission, even though all members of the Branch, and many people in authority in the village and province are urging that action be taken in my favor. The more I think about it the sadder it seems. I want to tell the people close to me about this but I don’t, so just seem calm. If I talk to them will they understand? Everyone has to survive these indignities and these heavy days. I am living in the midst of love, but am never happy with that, for there are always those jealous of the affection which the people give me. Of course life has two sides, good and bad. Everything is not always good, but why am I still so sad and full of sorrow?
May 29, 1968. Day by day stretch the long days. All day I am busy, making me forget those things which anger me, but they still stick in my mind like thorns, hurting me. Tell me why all you people! Why do we have weapons in hand but still we don’t use them, allowing the abscesses to grow in so many minds? Why when we are right, when we are in the majority, can’t we struggle with the minority and stop those few from making trouble and obstacles for all the people? Of course there are good people and bad people everywhere, of course opposition is the natural rule of society, but natural rules cannot satisfy us. Our mission is to struggle for Right, and if you struggle then you have to use strength. You have to think, and sometimes you have to give up personal interests; sometimes all of your life must be sacrificed for victory. That is it Thuy! When I recognize the right of the ranks of the Party, then all of my life will be bound by that goal. Thuy, you will be sorry when your career is hurt, but will be happy when that career is vigorous and strong. What else?
31 May, 1968. A coordinated movement of the base camp, all of the dispensary must move, with much hardship. My heart aches when I see wounded soldiers with the sheen of sweat on their pale faces, trying so hard to walk from one hill to another. Later if you live in the beautiful sunshine with the flowers of Socialism always remember these scenes. All my comrades please remember the sacrifices of these people who gave their blood for the common goal of all: because of them we have to work so hard today because devils rob our country and are still in our homeland… but dear wounded soldiers that I love like brothers and sisters please smile despite the hardships! Please stay happy like your comrades through this long period, no matter how difficult the situation is.
June 1, 1968. An early morning like today’s, all the trees are green and fresh after a shower of rain. The sky is clear, but why is my heart full of memories? I miss the North very much; miss all the trees with shining, green leaves after the rain, and the clean asphalt roads in the early morning; miss the simple but warm room, the sounds of laughter and the voice of the announcer from the radio in the middle of the house; miss my parents, Phuong* and all the people there in the North. When will the guns of war stop so I can return to the North that I love? I don’t know if we will have any days together again. Everyone loses in war: in the land of the South, hot with fire and smoke, it seems that almost 100% of the families have reason to mourn. Death and sorrow press heavily on the Southerners’ heads, but the more sorrow they feel, the more they hate, and the more strength they have to fight. The life and situation of the people here is a precious lesson to me. Is that not an honor for me Thuy?
Such is the letter that Uncle Thao* wrote to me: “Please don’t be sad Thuy. Here everyone looks towards the lovely South; there everyone has at least one of their relatives fighting”.
I left everyone in the North following my footsteps, waiting and believing that I will be victorious. I was victorious this past dry season, but still I need to try harder to obtain victory for all of the country, so Thuy, my dear, please control yourself and forget the sadness which presses on your heart. Please be as happy as the smiles which daily camouflage your face. Don’t let anyone quietly ask you about your sadness, why you try to but are unable to hide the sadness behind your constant smile.
