“Well, nobody is asking you, Kingman,” said Shanille. “So let’s discuss this idea of mine, shall we? So four of our humans have succumbed to the drink devil already, and if this keeps up, I’m sure many more will follow. And as I see it, it’s our responsibility to keep them from strayingfrom the path. Humans have a name for this. They call it a sponsor. A person you can call when you feel weak, and in need of a drink. The system is clearly flawed, though. Scarlett Canyon is supposed to be Francis’s sponsor, and Vesta is Tex Poole’s sponsor and vice versa. I mean, that must be some kind of joke, right? So I’ve come up with a plan.”
“I like your plan, Shanille,” said Dooley happily.
Shanille stared at him.“I haven’t even told you yet.”
“I know, but I can tell it’s a good one. I like it already.”
“Okay. So my plan is to launch our own sponsor system. Each of us will be assigned a human, and we’re going to follow that human around and make sure they never touch a drop of alcohol again in their life!”
“Why am I here?” asked Kingman now. “Unless I’m mistaken, Wilbur isn’t part of this AA business, is he?”
“No, he is not, but he should be. I hate to break it to you, Kingman, but your Wilbur is a drunk.”
“No, he’s not. I mean, he drinks, but he’s not a drunk.”
“Every person who drinks is by definition a drunk,” Shanille insisted. “It’s the nature of the beast. Humans are weak. They simply cannot control themselves. They drink one glass, then another, then another, and before you know it, they’re lying passed out on the couch, snoring through another episode of The Simpsons.”
“Homer Simpson!” Dooley cried. “He’s so funny!”
“No, he’s not,” said Shanille sternly. “Homer Simpson is a drunk.”
“But—”
“So here’s what we’re going to do. I’ll keep an eye on Francis, obviously. You, Brutus, will keep an eye on Vesta.”
“Me! Why me!”
“Okay, fine.” She glanced in my direction, and immediately I shook my head.
“We’re in the middle of a case, Shanille. I can’t follow Gran around all day.”
“No, we’re following Odelia and Chase around all day instead,” said Dooley. “They’re not drunks, but they are spending a lot of time at a winery, so they might be turning into drunks very soon now. It’s too soon to tell, though.”
Harriet, who had finally managed to tear herself away from her group of admirers, said,“What did I miss?”
“FuSSy,” said Shanille.
Harriet frowned.“What did you just call me?”
“FuSSy, or Feline Sponsor System, is the new project we’re launching to get Hampton Cove to go dry,” Shanille explained. “Yes, Dooley, what is it?”
Dooley, who had raised his paw, now piped up,“Shouldn’t it be FeSSy? Only there’s no U in feline, you see.”
“I don’t like FeSSy,” said Shanille. “FuSSy is better.”
“But—”
“Okay, so Harriet, I’m assigning you and Brutus to Vesta and Scarlett. You will keep an eye on them at all times, and make sure they don’t touch a drop of alcohol.”
“Who will keep an eye on Tex?” asked Harriet.
“Mh… I see what you’re saying. Okay, so here’s what we’ll do. Brutus, you get Tex. And Harriet, you take Vesta and Scarlett both, seeing as they seem to spend practically all of their time together anyway.”
“So just to be clear,” said Harriet. “What do we do when we see one of our humans reaching for a drink? I want to get this exactly right,” she explained.
“Good question. The moment your human reaches for a bottle, you use your own judgment to prevent them from imbibing that poisonous liquid.”
“But what do we do, exactly?”
“Look, all of these people are in the AA, right? So they have taken a pledge to stop drinking. So as far as I’m concerned, the moment they touch a drop of alcohol, all bets are off. And I mean claws, teeth, ear-splitting caterwauling, the works. They get the full treatment. You make them stop, no matter how, okay?”
“Okay, Shanille,” said Harriet, and I could tell from the sparkle in her eye she was looking forward to this new mission.
“So let’s do this, folks,” said Shanille, rubbing her paws together.
“You mean, no rehearsal tonight?” I asked, much disappointed.
“No rehearsal. Our humans need us, especially now. When they’re alone in bed at night, yearning for a drop of that evil stuff, they need us more than ever. So let’s get this show on the road, people. FuSSy to the rescue!”
CHAPTER 26
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The Felfans, David and Pauline, were arriving at the airport at ten o’clock, and Steph had volunteered to pick them up. Her dad had suggested they send a car round, but she wanted to do it herself. She wanted the first face they saw to be hers, and not some unknown driver. And besides, she wanted to tell them what was going on face to face, and in the privacy of her own car, instead of being surrounded by the rest of her family.