“That’s right.”
I could see her picturing it. I wanted to cover her head with my hands and block the image out. “Did it hurt?”
“No, sweetie. It was very fast. He never even knew what was happening.”
“Why did he fall?”
Olivia had probably told her it was an accident, but Holly has a two-home kid’s passion for cross-checking. I have no scruples about lying to most people, but I have a whole separate conscience just for Holly. “Nobody’s sure yet, love.”
Her eyes finally swung up to meet mine, swollen and red-rimmed and intense as a punch. “But you’re going to find out. Right?”
“Yeah,” I said. “I am.”
She stared at me for another second; then she nodded and ducked her head back down over the little table. “Is he in heaven?”
“Yes,” I said. Even my special Holly conscience has its limits. Privately I consider religion to be a load of bollix, but when you have a sobbing five-year-old wanting to know what happened to her hamster, you develop an instant belief in anything that dissolves some of the heartbreak off her face. “Definitely. He’s up there right now, sitting on a beach a million miles long, drinking a Guinness the size of a bathtub and flirting with a beautiful girl.”
She made a noise somewhere between a giggle, a sniffle and a sob. “Daddy, no, I’m not messing!”
“Neither am I. And I bet he’s waving down at you right now, telling you not to cry.”
Her voice wobbled harder. “I don’t want him to be dead.”
“I know, baby. Me neither.”
“Conor Mulvey kept taking my scissors in school, before, and Uncle Kevin told me next time he did it I should say to him, ‘You only did that because you fancy me,’ and he’d go all red and stop annoying me, so I did and it worked.”
“Good for your uncle Kevin. Did you tell him?”
“Yeah. He laughed. Daddy, it’s not fair.”
She was on the verge of another huge dam-burst of tears. I said, “It’s massively unfair, love. I wish there was something I could say to make it better, but there isn’t. Sometimes things are just really, really bad, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.”
“Mum says if I wait a while I’ll be able to think about him and it won’t make me sad any more.”
“Your mammy’s usually right,” I said. “Let’s hope she’s right this time.”
“One time Uncle Kevin said I was his favorite niece because you used to be his favorite brother.”
Oh, God. I reached to put an arm around her shoulders, but she shifted away and rubbed harder at the table, pushing the paper into tiny wooden curlicues with a fingernail. “Are you mad because I went to Nana and Granddad’s?”
“No, chickadee. Not at you.”
“At Mum?”
“Just a little bit. We’ll sort it out.”
Holly’s eyes flicked sideways to me, just for an instant. “Are you going to yell at each other some more?”
I grew up with a mother who has a black belt in guilt-tripping, but her finest work is nothing compared to what Holly can do without even trying. “No yelling,” I said. “Mostly I’m just upset that nobody told me what was going on.”
Silence.
“Remember how we talked about secrets?”
“Yeah.”
“Remember we said it’s fine for you and your friends to have good secrets together, but if anything ever bothers you, that’s the bad kind of secret? The kind you need to talk about to me or your mammy?”
“It wasn’t bad. It’s my grandparents.”
“I know, sweetie. What I’m trying to tell you is that there’s another kind of secret as well. The kind where, even if there’s nothing bad about it, someone else has a right to know it too.” Her head was still down, and her chin was starting to get its stubborn look. “Say your mammy and I decide to move to Australia. Should we tell you we’re going? Or should we just put you on a plane in the middle of the night?”
Shrug. “Tell me.”
“Because that would be your business. You’d have a right to know it.”
“Yeah.”
“When you started hanging out with my family, that was my business. Keeping it secret from me was the wrong thing to do.”
She didn’t look convinced. “If I’d told you, you’d just have got all upset.”
“I’m a whole lot more upset this way than I would’ve been if someone had told me straightaway. Holly, sweetie, it’s always better to tell me things early on. Always. OK? Even if they’re things I don’t like. Keeping them secret is only going to make it worse.”
Holly slid the table carefully back into the dollhouse dining room, adjusted it with a fingertip. I said, “I try to tell you the truth, even when it hurts a little bit. You know that. You need to do the same for me. Is that fair?”
Holly said to the dollhouse, in a small muffled voice, “Sorry, Daddy.”
I said, “I know you are, love. It’s going to be OK. Just remember this, next time you’re thinking about keeping a secret from me, all right?”
Nod. “There you go,” I said. “Now you can tell me how you got on with our family. Did your nana make you trifle for your tea?”
A shaky little sigh of relief. “Yeah. And she says I’ve got lovely hair.”
