Oh, Christian. Fear grips my heart once more and I start babbling, «I was going to suggest going back to my apartment this evening. You never give me any time… time to just think things through,” I sob, and a ghost of a frown crosses his face. «Just time to think. We barely know each other, and all this baggage that comes with you… I need… I need time to think it through. And now that Leila is… well, whatever she is… she’s off the streets and not a threat… I thought… I thought …» My voice trails off and I stare at him. He regards me intently and I think he’s listening
«Seeing you with Leila …» I close my eyes as the painful memory of his interaction with his ex–sub gnaws at me anew. «It was such a shock. I had a glimpse into how your life has been… and …» I gaze down at my knotted fingers, tears still trickling down my cheeks. «This is about me not being good enough for you. It was an insight into your life, and I am so scared you’ll get bored with me, and then you’ll go… and I’ll end up like Leila… a shadow. Because I love you, Christian, and if you leave me, it will be like a world without light. I’ll be in darkness. I don’t want to run. I’m just so frightened you’ll leave me …»
I realize as I say these words to him—in the hope that he’s listening—what my real problem is. I just don’t get why he likes me. I have never understood why he likes me.
«I don’t understand why you find me attractive,” I murmur. «You’re, well, you’re you… and I’m …» I shrug and gaze up at him. «I just don’t see it. You’re beautiful and sexy and successful and good and kind and caring—all those things—and I’m not. And I can’t do the things you like to do. I can’t give you what you need. How could you be happy with me? How can I possibly hold you?» My voice is a whisper as I express my darkest fears. «I have never understood what you see in me. And seeing you with her, it brought all that home.» I sniff and wipe my nose with the back of my hand, gazing at his impassive expression.
Oh, he’s so exasperating. Talk to me, damn it!
«Are you going to kneel here all night? Because I’ll do it, too,” I snap at him.
I think his expression softens—maybe he looks vaguely amused. But it’s so hard to tell.
I could reach across and touch him, but this would be a gross abuse of the position he’s put me in. I don’t want that, but I don’t know what he wants, or what he’s trying to say to me. I just don’t understand.
«Christian, please, please… talk to me,” I beseech him, wringing my hands in my lap. I am uncomfortable on my knees, but I continue to kneel, staring into his serious, beautiful, gray eyes, and I wait.
And wait.
And wait.
«Please,” I beg once more.
His intense gaze darkens suddenly and he blinks.
«I was so scared,” he whispers.
Oh, thank the Lord! Inside, my subconscious staggers back into her armchair, sagging with relief, and takes a large swig of gin.
He’s talking! Gratitude overwhelms me, and I swallow, trying to contain my emotion and the fresh bout of tears that threatens.
His voice is soft and low. «When I saw Ethan arrive outside, I knew someone had let you into your apartment. Both Taylor and I leapt out of the car. We knew and to see her there like that with you—and armed. I think I died a thousand deaths, Ana. Someone threatening you… all my worst fears realized. I was so angry, with her, with you, with Taylor, with myself.»
He shakes his head revealing his agony. «I didn’t know how volatile she would be. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how she’d react.» He stops and frowns. «And then she gave me a clue; she looked so contrite. And I just knew what I had to do.» He pauses, gazing at me, trying to gauge my reaction.
«Go on,” I whisper.
He swallows. «Seeing her in that state, knowing that I might have something to do with her mental breakdown …» He closes his eyes once more. «She was always so mischievous and lively.» He shudders and takes a rasping breath, almost like a sob. This is torture to listen to, but I kneel, attentive, lapping up this insight.
«She might have harmed you. And it would have been my fault.» His eyes drift off, filled with uncomprehending horror, and he’s silent once more.
«But she didn’t,” I whisper. «And you weren’t responsible for her being in that state, Christian.» I blink up at him, encouraging him to continue.
Then it dawns on me afresh that everything he did was to keep me safe, and perhaps Leila, too, because he also cares for her. But how much does he care for her? The question lingers in my head, unwelcome. He says he loves me, but then he was so harsh, throwing me out of my own apartment.
«I just wanted you gone,” he murmurs, with his uncanny ability to read my thoughts. «I wanted you away from the danger, and… You. Just. Wouldn’t. Go,” he hisses through clenched teeth and shakes his head. His exasperation is palpable.
He gazes at me intently. «Anastasia Steele, you are the most stubborn woman I know.» He closes his eyes and shakes his head once more in disbelief.
