In the Woods полностью

She had been lucky. In Ireland in 1972, women were given life sentences in asylums or convents for far less. "That was a brave thing to do," Cassie said.

"Oh, thank you, Detective. Do you know, I think I was quite a brave person, back then. But I wonder if it was the right decision. I used to think-if I had given Jamie up for adoption, you see…" Her voice trailed off.

"Did they come round in the end?" Cassie asked. "Your family and Jamie's father?"

Alicia sighed. "Well, no. Not really. In the end they said I could keep the baby, as long as we both stayed well out of all their lives. I had disgraced the family, you see; and, of course, Jamie's father didn't want his wife to find out." There was no anger in her voice, nothing but a simple, sad puzzlement. "My parents bought me this house-nice and far away; I'm from Dublin originally, from Howth-and gave me a bit of money now and then. I sent Jamie's father letters to tell him how she was getting on, and photographs. I was positive that sooner or later he would come round and want to start seeing her. Maybe he would have. I don't know."

"And when did you decide she should go to boarding school?"

Alicia wrapped her fingers in her hair. "I…oh, dear. I don't like thinking about this."

We waited.

"I had just turned thirty, you see," she said eventually. "And I realized I didn't like what I had become. I was waiting tables in a café in town while Jamie was at school, but it really wasn't worth it, with the bus fares, and I had no education so I couldn't get any other job… I realized I didn't want to spend the rest of my life like that. I wanted something better, for me and for Jamie. I…oh, in many ways I was still a child myself. I'd never had a chance to grow up. And I wanted to."

"And for that," Cassie said, "you needed a little time to yourself?"

"Yes. Oh, exactly. You understand." She squeezed Cassie's arm gratefully. "I wanted a proper career, so I wouldn't have to rely on my parents, but I didn't know what career. I needed a chance to figure it out. And once I did, I knew I would probably have to do some kind of course, and I couldn't simply leave Jamie on her own all the time…It would have been different if I'd had a husband, or family. I had a few friends, but I couldn't expect them to-"

She was twisting her hair tighter and tighter around her fingers. "Makes sense," Cassie said matter-of-factly. "So you had just told Jamie your decision…"

"Well, I told her first in May, when I decided. But she took it very badly. I tried to explain, and I brought her up to Dublin to show her around the school, but that only made things worse. She hated it. She said the girls there were all stupid and didn't talk about anything except boys and clothes. Jamie was a bit of a tomboy, you see, she loved being outdoors in the wood all the time; she hated the thought of being cooped up in a city school and having to do exactly what everyone else did. And she didn't want to leave her best friends. She was very close to Adam and Peter-the little boy who vanished with her, you know." I fought down the impulse to hide my face behind my notebook.

"So you argued."

"Heavens, yes. Well, really it was more like a siege than a battle. Jamie and Peter and Adam absolutely mutinied. They shut out the entire adult world for weeks-wouldn't speak to us parents, wouldn't even look at us, wouldn't speak in class-every bit of homework Jamie did had 'Don't send me away' written across the top…"

She was right: it had been a mutiny. LET JAMIE STAY, red block letters across squared paper. My mother trying helplessly to reason with me while I sat cross-legged and unresponsive on the sofa, picking at the skin around my fingernails, my stomach squirming with excitement and terror at my own daring. But we won, I thought in confusion, surely we won: whoops and high fives on the castle wall, Coke cans raised high in a triumphant toast-"But you stuck by your decision," Cassie said.

"Well, not exactly. They did wear me down. It was terribly difficult, you know-all the estate talking about it, and Jamie making it sound as though she were being sent off to the orphanage from Annie or somewhere-and I didn't know what to do… In the end I said, 'Well, I'll think about it.' I told them not to worry, we would sort something out, and they called off their protest. I truly did think about waiting another year, but my parents had offered to pay Jamie's school fees, and I couldn't be sure they'd still feel the same way in a year's time. I know this makes me sound like a terrible mother, but I really did think-"

"Not at all," Cassie said. I shook my head automatically. "So, when you told Jamie she would be going after all…"