Kaiju Agonistes полностью

“Comrade Messenger,” says the Soviet premier, “if you are out of contact with your own people, surely you must perceive your disadvantage. You are a formidable opponent, but we have dealt with two of your kind before—”

“You didn’t deal with shit, Alexei,” says Kissinger.

Your misapprehension is easily corrected. You presume that you have vanquished organisms such as myself before. You have not. I am the only one of my kind ever seeded on your planet. I have withdrawn and reconstructed myself twice to be better able to resist the efforts of your armed forces. My present configuration seems eminently satisfactory.

“We have bigger bombs,” says Nixon, “and if you think we won’t use them on you until you’re Spam on toast, you’re out of your alien mind. We will not be dictated to!”

You agree amongst yourselves that anti-proliferation and arms reduction treaties are desirable things, yet when I speak to you of similar concepts you grow unreasonably belligerent.

“You don’t know what ‘unreasonable’ is! We will oppose you for the sake of self-determination!”

And if a small child opposed your prohibition against drinking poison, for the sake of self-determination?

“You condescending space bastard! We’re not small children!”

Opinions vary.

Eugenia Aldrich-Haines screams in frustration and runs toward Messenger, waving an envelope.

“Messenger! Please! Are you familiar with the Berne Convention for the Protection of Literary and Artistic Works?”

No.

“If you were to represent yourself as a sovereign nation, I’m confident we could find a means to make you a legal contracting party, which would allow us to offer you very generous compensation packages in exchange for exclusive likeness rights and other considerations—”

I do not understand the purpose of compensation. Your local currencies are consensual hallucinations. I have no use for them.

“Ms. Aldrich-Haines, I did not give you permission to speak!” shouts Nixon.

“What is this?” yells Mao Zedong. “Messenger, comrade, this is some unworthy reactionary ploy! I implore you, sign no business documents this woman offers you!”

I doubt any document your limited ethical systems could present to me would apply to or restrain my activities.

“Messenger, you don’t have to agree to anything now, but consider my proposals at your own leisure! And keep my contact information!” Eugenia flings the envelope as hard as she can, and a black tendril plucks it from the air. “We could operate within another paradigm entirely!”

“Traitor,” yells Henry Kissinger, jogging toward her.

“Opportunist! No one has the moral right to privatize negotiations with comrade Messenger!” Mao cannot run very fast, but he is definitely running in the same direction. Eugenia scampers.

“Privatization isn’t the vice you make it out to be,” huffs Nixon as he joins the pursuit. “The real issue is—”

Shouting, screaming, and multi-directional accusations fill the beach. After a few minutes, when it becomes clear that the natives are intent on having a brawl, Messenger turns and departs as carefully as it entered the lagoon.