‘Did one of you jokers put a whoopee cushion on my chair, by the way? No? Well in that case I’ve just farted.’ Lamb leaned back and beamed proudly. ‘Okay, you’re all uptight because there’s a national emergency, and somewhere at the back of your tiny little minds you’re remembering you joined the security services. That rings bells, yes? The bright shiny building at Regent’s Park?’
‘Jackson,’ Catherine said.
‘It gives me no pleasure to have to say this, but keep your fucking mouth shut while I’m talking, Standish. It’s only polite.’
‘Always happy to have you mind my manners, but do we really need to hear the lecture?’
‘Oh, I think it’ll be good for morale, don’t you? Besides, the new boy can’t have heard it more than once. I’d hate him to feel he was missing out. What was your name again?’
‘Coe,’ said J. K. Coe, who’d been there a year.
‘Coe. You’re the one gets panic attacks, right?
Catherine put her head in her hands.
Lamb lit a cigarette and said, ‘Where was I? Oh yeah. Now, I’m a stickler for political correctness, as you know, but whoever decided we’re all equal needs punching. If we were, you wouldn’t be in Slough House touching your toes when I tell you, while the cool kids over at Regent’s Park are saving the world. Except for parts of Derbyshire, obviously.’ He inhaled, and let smoke drift from his mouth, his nostrils, possibly his ears, while he continued: ‘And if we let you help them out, you’d doubtless end up doing the only thing you’ve ever proved yourself good at, which is making a bad situation worse. Any comments so far?’
‘Well—’ River began.
‘That was rhetorical, Cartwright. If I really thought you were going to speak, I’d leave the room first.’
‘Every manhunt needs backup,’ Louisa said. ‘CCTV checks, vehicle backgrounds, all the stuff we’re used to. You don’t think the Park would appreciate our help?’
‘Make an educated guess.’
‘… Yes?’
‘I said educated,’ said Lamb. ‘That guess left school at fifteen for a job at Asda.’
‘I just thought—’
‘Yeah, well, you don’t get paid to think. Which is just as fucking well in your case.’ Lamb shifted in his chair and shoved his free hand down his trousers. Scratching commenced. ‘Now. As I was saying before everyone decided this was an open forum, there’s a lot going on, and you’re not part of it. So let’s fuck off back to our desks, shall we? Devil finds work for idle wankers, and all that.’
‘Hands.’
‘Yeah, hands, sorry. Word association.’
They trooped out, or half of them did. Lamb leaned back, eyes closed, his hand still down his trousers, and pretended not to notice that Shirley, Louisa and Catherine remained in the room. Chances are he’d have kept this up all day, but Catherine was having none of it.
‘Are you done? Or have you not started yet?’
He opened an eye. ‘Why, are you running a meter?’
‘Shirley has something to tell you.’
‘Oh, fuck.’
‘I think you mean, “What is it, Dander?”’
‘Yeah, that’s probably what I meant,’ said Lamb. ‘But my autocorrect kicked in.’ He withdrew his hand and opened his other eye. ‘What is it, Dander?’
‘Someone tried to run Ho over.’
‘Just now?’
‘At lunchtime. In the street.’ Shirley paused then added, for clarity’s sake, ‘With a car.’
‘Maybe they mistook him for a squirrel. I’ve talked to him about that beard.’
‘It was deliberate.’
‘Well, I’d hate to think of Ho being run over accidentally. It would be robbing the rest of us of a moment’s pleasure. Where did this happen?’
‘Fann Street.’
‘And the three of you witnessed it?’
‘Just me,’ said Shirley.
‘So what are you two, her backing singers?’
Catherine said, ‘If someone targets one of us, it means we’re all at risk. Potentially.’
‘And Slough House has been under attack before,’ said Louisa.
‘You don’t have to remind me,’ said Lamb. ‘It’s muggins here had to delegate the paperwork last time. What sort of car?’
‘A Honda. Silver.’
‘Any identifying characteristics? Like, oh, I don’t know, a number plate?’
‘I was too busy rescuing Ho to get it.’
‘If it happens again, you might want to re-prioritise. What did it do, swerve at him?’
‘It mounted the kerb.’
‘Huh.’
Catherine said, ‘There’s no cameras there. Hit or miss, they got clean away.’
‘Leaving the scene of an accident doesn’t make whoever it was an assassin. Your average citizen would sooner pay tax than make a statement to the cops. Anyone lean out of the window, shouting “I’ll get you next time”?’
Shirley shook her head.
‘Well then, let’s assume it was a tourist. An unexpected sighting of Roderick Ho would alarm almost anyone, and you know what foreigners are like. Excitable. And rubbish drivers. Why didn’t Ho bring this up himself, anyway? Not usually a shrinking violet, is he? More like poison ivy.’
‘He didn’t notice,’ Shirley said.
Lamb stared at her for a moment or two, then nodded. ‘Yeah, okay. I can see that happening.’
Louisa said, ‘Silver Honda. It headed east. We can find it.’
