“Since they don't know about you — how would I explain anything?” She wasn't going to mention that they had both gone off without her to hunt horcruxes.
“I can't believe you couldn't just leave me alone,” she said. “Why were you even there?”
“I had a feeling you were going to go do something asinine. Call it a sixth sense.”
She rolled her eyes. “I don't see why you'd care. Your secret would die with me. I'm sure you'll still find a way to get whatever it is you want without me.”
“I'm sure anyone Moody sent to try to replace you with would only be more irritating,” he said with a faint grimace. “Think of it as an additional favour to your Order. I'm keeping their healer and Potion Mistress alive.”
She snorted. She was starting to feel incredibly sleepy. The thought of sleeping made her think of Colin. Tears welled up in her eyes. She covered her face with her hands and sobbed.
“What now?” Malfoy said as her sobs subsided. He sounded bored, but when she looked at him, he glanced away. He'd been watching her.
“I'm going to dream about Colin tonight,” she said sadly, dropping her head against her knees.
“You were delusional when you said you could ever kill anyone. You can't even handle them dying at someone else's hand,” he said, shaking his head dismissively.
Hermione stiffened and stared up at Malfoy.
“I don't think there's anything particularly awful about dying. I know it's war. People die,” she said. “What I care about is the manner. You have no idea, Malfoy, what it's like to have someone die while you are doing
She choked slightly and her voice cracked at the final words.
Malfoy looked at her and seemed considering for the first time.
“Why does Colin matter so much? You weren't close. Why is that death the one that still remains so significant to you? You've seen worse deaths since then.”
She hesitated. She had never spoken about it to anyone. Not really. Not for years.
“His death was the beginning of the end of everything,” she said, looking down and noticing a snagged thread on her shirt. She tugged impulsively at it and watched the knitted fabric tighten and bunch until the thread suddenly snapped and a hole appeared. She repaired it with a flick of her wand. “He was the first person who died entirely under my care. Harry saw it happen. And after that — I realised that what the Order was doing wasn't enough. That defense wasn't enough. And I started saying so. But Harry disagreed. To him — dying is the worst thing. It's leaving. So, killing in any way is evil. Self defense. Mercy killing. Any kind. That — disagreement — sent us in different directions in the war. Nothing was the same after that. That's why I ended up a healer while everyone else went to the battlefield together.”
“Somewhat ironic.”
“One person using Dark Arts in the battlefield isn't enough to make a difference. And if I'd been insubordinate and tried to recruit people into my thinking — it might have split the Order.”
“If you were fighting again, how would you kill?“
“Quick. There are spells to stop hearts. Curses that suffocate. Slicing hexes to the throat. I'd do things like that. I'd probably even use the killing curse if I had it in me — but Harry would probably never forgive it.”
“How does Potter plan to defeat the Dark Lord?”
“It's — there's a prophecy. Harry thinks the answer is the prophecy.” she said vaguely. She wasn't sure if the Power of Love was a real Order strategy, but Malfoy didn't really need to know the details.
“Fantastic. We're all betting our lives on the-boy-who-won't-kill and a prophecy. We're doomed.”
“Dumbledore defeated Grindelwald without killing him,” Hermione said.
Malfoy looked unimpressed.
“Where did you study healing?” he asked her. She looked over at him with surprise.
“France at first,” she said, “but the war crossed the channel quickly and it was safer for me to transfer than risk being found there. So I went to Albania; their Old Magicks Department had the best fundamentals for healing Dark Magic. I was there for a while. That's where I learned the treatment I've used on your runes. You're lucky — I'm probably one of the only healers left who knows the treatment since the hospital was destroyed. Then Denmark, for spell analysis and deconstruction. After that I went to Egypt; their hospital was the most specialised for curse breaking, but the situation was — unstable, so I got transferred to Austria within a few weeks. I was in Austria until the Order brought me back.”