He said this aloud without thinking about it. She looked up and saw him then. Her face was like a small white flower. She put her arms around his neck, and he held her tightly. He could smell the inside of her house on her clothes. The last time he’d seen her, everything had been normal. Rob was still alive then, Connell could have sent him a message or even called him and talked to him on the phone, it was possible then, it had been possible. Marianne touched the back of Connell’s head with her hand. Everyone stood there watching them, he felt that. When they knew it couldn’t go on any longer, they let go of one another. Helen patted his arm quickly. People were moving in and out of the vestibule, coats and umbrellas dripping silently onto the tiles.
We’d better go and pay our respects, Lorraine said.
They lined up with everyone else to shake hands with the family. Rob’s mother Eileen was just crying and crying, they could hear her the whole way down the church. By the time they got halfway up the queue Connell’s legs were shaking. He wished Lorraine were standing with him and not Helen. He felt like he was going to be sick. When it was finally his turn, Rob’s father Val gripped his hand and said: Connell, good man. I hear you’re doing great things above in Trinity. Connell’s hands were wringing wet. I’m sorry, he said in a thin voice. I’m so sorry. Val kept gripping his hand and looking in his eyes. Good lad, he said. Thanks for coming. Then it was over. Connell sat down in the first available pew, shivering all over. Helen sat down beside him, looking self-conscious, pulling at the hem of her skirt. Lorraine came over and gave him a tissue from her handbag, with which he wiped his forehead and his upper lip. She squeezed his shoulder. You’re alright, she said. You’ve done your bit, just relax now. And Helen turned her face away, as if embarrassed.
After Mass they went to the burial, and then back to the Tavern to eat sandwiches and drink tea in the ballroom. Behind the bar a girl from the year below in school was dressed in a white shirt and waistcoat, serving pints. Connell poured Helen a cup of tea and then one for himself. They stood by the wall near the tea trays, drinking and not talking. Connell’s cup rattled in its saucer. Eric came over and stood with them when he arrived. He was wearing a shiny blue tie.
How are things? Eric said. Long time no see.
I know, yeah, said Connell. It’s been a fair while alright.
Who’s this? Eric said, nodding at Helen.
Helen, said Connell. Helen, this is Eric.
Eric held out his hand and Helen shook it, balancing her teacup politely in her left hand, her face tensed in effort.
The girlfriend, is it? Eric said.
With a glance at Connell she nodded and replied: Yes.
Eric released her, grinning. You’re a Dub anyway, he said.
She smiled nervously and said: That’s right.
Must be your fault this lad never comes home anymore, Eric said.
It’s not her fault, it’s my fault, said Connell.
I’m only messing with you, Eric said.
For a few seconds they stood looking out at the room in silence. Helen cleared her throat and said delicately: I’m very sorry for your loss, Eric. Eric turned and gave her a kind of gallant nod. He looked back at the room again. Yeah, hard to believe, he said. Then he poured himself a cup of tea from the pot behind them. Good of Marianne to come, he remarked. I thought she was off in Sweden or someplace.
She was, said Connell. She’s home for the funeral.
She’s gone very thin, isn’t she?
Eric took a large mouthful of tea and swallowed it, smacking his lips. Marianne, detaching herself from another conversation, made her way towards the tea tray.
Here’s herself, said Eric. You’re very good to come all the way back from Sweden, Marianne.
She thanked him and started to pour a cup of tea, saying it was nice to see him.
Have you met Helen here? Eric asked.
Marianne put her teacup down in her saucer. Of course I have, she said. We’re in college together.
All friendly, I hope, said Eric. No rivalry, I mean.
Behave yourself now, said Marianne.
Connell watched Marianne pouring the tea, her smiling manner, ‘behave yourself’, and he felt in awe of her naturalness, her easy way of moving through the world. It hadn’t been like that in school, quite the opposite. Back then Connell had been the one who understood how to behave, while Marianne had just aggravated everyone.
