“Thanks. And I meant no offense about the porn. Just the leather and all those tats, but I’m sure you did what you had to in prison.”
“What?”
They were already trotting down the corridor. Serge grabbed the handle of a massive door. It creaked open. Another conference room, long tables with white linen, metal ice-water carafes dripping condensate. Hundreds of people in leather jackets with affiliate patches taking notes from an overhead projector.
Serge closed the door. They ran to the next room and peeked inside: a potbellied man in a Harley shirt delivering a PowerPoint presentation. Next room, and the next. Just more bikers. Serge’s trot broke into a run. He passed an open door. A large, hair-pulling pile of coin and stamp dealers in the middle of the floor.
Serge finally reached the last door at the end of the hall. Coleman caught up, panting. “Is this where they give us lots of cash?”
“We’ll soon find out.” They went inside a room the size of a small hotel suite. Another reception desk by the door. The man behind it had a fifty-dollar haircut, a stockbroker smile and a resume of rolling back odometers. He looked up from paperwork. Serge grinned. “Can you point me toward the Internet Job Fair?”
The man smiled back. “You’re standing in it.”
Serge looked around. “No, not the sign-up room. The main hall.”
“This is the main hall. Welcome!”
“You’re kidding, right?”
“That’s the beauty of the Internet. It’s all virtual reality: very low brick-and-mortar overhead. Why don’t you start at that table over there and work your way around the room. You’ll have trouble choosing from all the marvelous new careers that await. Seize the day! Opportunity knocks!”
Serge eyed him skeptically, then began making the rounds.
The man at the reception desk filled out forms for the next job fair at the Jensen Beach Econo-Inn. Someone cleared his throat. The man looked up.
Serge leaned in and lowered his voice to a whisper. “I think there’s some kind of problem you need to be aware of.”
“What’s that?”
“These so-called job people? They each want me to give them several thousand dollars.”
“And?”
“All the jobs I’ve ever had, the money comes the other direction.”
The man chuckled and shook his head. “That’s the beauty of the Internet. In this new economy, you control your own destiny. So when you give them start-up money, you’re actually believing in yourself.” The man stood and placed a hand on Serge’s shoulder. “You do believe in yourself, don’t you?”
“But I’m not-“
The man squeezed Serge’s shoulder. “Believe!”
“I believe!”
“You’re believing!”
“Can I get a witness!”
“That’s the spirit! Now get over there and-What are you looking at?”
“The little stand in the corner. Is it what I think?”
“What?”
“Free coffee?”
“Uh, sure. Listen-“
“Don’t move!” Serge ran off.
The man looked questioningly at Coleman, who grinned and took a swig from a brown paper bag. “Know where there’s any weed?”
“What?”
Serge ran back with a tall, white Styrofoam cup. “It’s cold.”
“Been meaning to make a new pot.”
“No, I mean that’s good. I can drink it faster.” Serge chugged half in one long gulp. “And you got the giant twenty-four-ounce cups! Usually when it’s free coffee, they’re these little thimbles.” He took another big chug. “Bullshit on thimbles! I can’t resist free coffee, like when I was at that funeral chapel. I wasn’t really at the chapel, just walking by. The door was open, and so was the casket. People crying. Bunch of folding chairs. Guess it was a viewing. Then I see the big silver coffee urn in back. Next thing I know: ‘What the hell are you doing?’ I say: ‘Drinking free coffee.’ ‘Did you know the deceased?’ ‘Not remotely.’ ‘I want you to leave.’ ‘Right after I get a refill.’ ‘No! Get the fuck out now!’ I said, ‘Have some respect: There’s an old dead guy up there.’ ‘That’s my mother!’ ‘Then you have a refund coming. They did a messed-up job. Of course I didn’t know what she looked like before, so maybe it’s a great job.’ ‘Why you-!’ Then all these guys attacked me. Well, tried to, but they didn’t anticipate my triple-threat martial-arts weapons training. I can handle a folding chair like nunchakus. Except I lost my grip and the thing went flying. I tried to explain that the old woman was already dead so it didn’t matter that the Samsonite hit her in the coffin. Things like that always seem to happen when I drink coffee. It’s weird.” Serge looked toward the corner. “I need more coffee. Wait here …”
The man stared with open mouth.
Serge jogged back and chugged. Then he placed his own hand on the man’s shoulder. “I believe in myself all right! In fact, I believe I have a great new business venture that isn’t represented at your fair!”
No answer.
“Don’t you want to hear it?”
Nothing.
“I track down Internet Job Fair scam artists, break into their bedrooms in the middle of the night and shatter their shins with a pipe wrench. I’ll only require a ten-thousand-dollar investment to join your traveling expo. Exceptional bargain if you believe in yourself. You do believe in yourself?”
