‘Yeah.’ Seb nods but he seems unsure whether it is good news or not. ‘Yeah, I suppose it is.’
‘You don’t sound happy about it?’
‘I don’t know, Ed. I’m just having a day where it feels like we’ve all lost so much.’
Eddy puts his hand on Seb’s shoulder, but he feels his muscles stiffen against his touch. He takes it away and desperately tries to steer the conversation back into warmer waters as he says, ‘The kids must have been pleased?’
Finally, Seb smiles properly and Eddy, encouraged, adds, ‘Blake told me about the poster.’
‘Yeah.’ Seb’s smile broadens; he laughs a little. ‘I think some of them were pleased. Blake kept on giving me high-fives.’
‘I bet.’ Eddy smiles with him, and for the briefest moment he can feel the two of them coming together again, like before, but almost immediately Seb starts to fall away again and Eddy, desperate, searches for a way to bring him back. ‘Listen, Seb, I was thinking maybe you and me could find a time to pay old Court Five a visit. I’ll bet she’s been missing us …’
Seb is gently shaking his head. ‘I don’t think so, Ed.’
‘C’mon, Seb. Don’t make this into something bigger than it needs to be. We both made mistakes. If we can acknowledge that, accept it, then I don’t see why we can’t go back to how things were before all of this …’ Eddy stops talking because Seb’s still shaking his head, harder now.
‘Ed, no. That’s just it, I don’t want things to go back to how they were.’
‘Well, how do you want them to be?’
‘I honestly don’t know. But I think … I think it’d be good if you just give me some space to figure it out.’
Eddy steps back. He knows when someone is breaking up with him; he’s had enough experience. Eddy bows his head and grabs his beard just as from inside the house a little voice – Greer, Eddy thinks – calls, ‘Daddy! Daddy!’
Seb turns back inside, calling, ‘One moment, sweetheart!’ before coming back to Eddy and motioning with his head. ‘I’ve got to go.’
Eddy says too loud, ‘Sure! Yeah, of course!’
Seb knows Eddy makes himself upbeat, jolly, because he doesn’t know what else to do with this awful sinking. Seb knows it but again he does nothing to try to make it better before he says, ‘Bye, Eddy.’
And just like that, Seb closes the front door.
Eddy stays there, on the top step, for a moment longer and feels his new aloneness swelling around him, and it hurts, but mostly it just feels strange. And he’s surprised that he can still turn away from the door he loves, still full and aching with the feeling, walk back to his car and say to his son, ‘Come on then, Albs. Next stop, fish and chips.’
Chapter 27
Abi’s already arrived, sitting on a bench on Brighton beach in front of a cafe blaring out Christmas carols and blowing on a cup of something hot between her hands. They haven’t seen each other properly since Rosie went over to Abi’s after the radio show, although Rosie had messaged her after the glorious parents’ forum. She’d felt worried for Abi and then a strange light had seemed to fill her chest – forgiveness, perhaps.
Rosie stops walking just to watch her for a moment. She looks the same as she did when they first met – messy on the outside, but still, there it is, that rooted strength in her eyes.
She’s wearing the same denim jacket but this time with a thick scarf and jumper. She watches the rolling sea and the people around her calmly, like she doesn’t expect anything from anyone. She isn’t trying to change anything. And looking at her now, Rosie realizes it was never Abi herself she found so dizzying. It was Abi’s self-reliance and clarity that drew her in, because it was what she most yearned for herself. Abi knows how to be a good friend to herself and now, slowly, day by day, Rosie is learning too.
She is even gradually starting to feel gentler towards her own body. Greeting it like an old friend when she sees herself undressed in the mirror – hello, stretch marks; hello, wobble. She’ll hold her hand over her tummy to feel the warmth of herself. Her own skin to skin. Last night, for the first time in years, Rosie and Seb had a bath together.
Rosie watches a family walk past Abi. Abi smiles at one of their kids and then she looks up, straight at Rosie, and they stay there, just looking at each other for a moment, before Abi lifts her drink to Rosie and Rosie smiles, raises her hand and walks towards her.
As she gets closer, Abi looks at the bag Rosie’s carrying, the towel poking out of the top. ‘Don’t tell me you’re actually going to go in.’
Rosie shrugs and rotates her shoulders. ‘Haven’t decided yet.’
Abi doesn’t stand to greet her, she just shakes her head, takes another sip from her cup, but she’s smiling as she mutters, ‘Maniac.’
She shuffles up the bench so Rosie can sit next to her.
Rosie isn’t sure how to start this. ‘So, how’s it going?’ feels like the language of yesterday. Instead she trusts the silence and listens to the sea sighing its lovely sigh as it rolls back and forth.