It’s good to feel Anna’s soft, warm body against her own. Anna kisses the side of her face and Rosie shakes her head so Anna knows it’s not her fault as she whispers, ‘I’m so sorry, I’m sorry about all this, Ro.’
When Rosie at last pulls away, Anna rubs Rosie’s upper arms and says, ‘You’ve been swimming!’
Rosie nods. ‘I had to clear my head.’
Anna’s doing her best to hide it, but Rosie can still feel her excitement, the anticipation just behind her gentleness. It’s in the way she smiles, the spark in her eye. Anna’s always loved drama.
They sit and Anna pours tea, adding two spoonfuls of sugar to Rosie’s mug without asking before handing it to her.
The hot mug in Rosie’s hands feels wonderful. Anna settles back in her seat, spine straight, braced and waiting, which Rosie knows is challenging for her. They don’t mention how upset Rosie had been that Anna hadn’t told her earlier about Seb; Anna has already explained her reasoning in texts and, besides, there are more important things to talk about now. When Anna can’t take the silence any more, she leans in and says, ‘I want you to know, anything you tell me won’t go any further. I won’t tell anyone. I promise.’ Adding as an afterthought, ‘Not even Eddy.’
Anna says it like she’s bestowing a great gift on Rosie rather than offering her the simple dignity of confidentiality. Still, Rosie remembers how hard it was talking to Anna after Eddy’s affair, the pressure she felt to find the right words, so she nods and mutters, ‘Thanks,’ before adding with a sigh, ‘I talked to Abi the other day, just before pick-up.’
‘Fuck.’
‘Yup.’
Anna’s eyes pinball around Rosie’s face, trying to keep her talking, but she doesn’t, so Anna says, ‘Well, I hope she apologized.’
Rosie frowns, threads her fingers through her salt-stiff hair and says quietly, ‘She didn’t, actually.’
Anna tuts, rolls her eyes.
‘You think she should?’
‘Ro – she had sex with your husband. More than once. Yes, she owes you a bloody apology! She owes you a thousand apologies and it still wouldn’t be enough in my view.’
There’s a part of Rosie that likes Anna’s interpretation of all this, part of her that wants to be the uncomplicated victim.
Anna leans towards Rosie, eyes gleaming as she asks in a whisper, ‘Did she say anything about being a prostitute?’
‘Umm, not really.’
‘So she said something about it …’
‘Anna.’ Rosie holds up her hand to get her to stop.
‘Too much, you’re right, too much. Sorry, Ro.’
They sit in silence for a moment before, again, Anna’s had enough and asks quietly, ‘So, did he find her online?’
Rosie nods. She sees them all again, all those thrusting, parading, hairless women cooing how much they love sex; how Seb must have, at some level, believed they were waiting desperately for him. It was pathetic. Laughable. The lies they were all telling themselves.
‘Yes, and about a thousand other prostitutes.’ Rosie feels a fresh slap of rage as she says the words out loud, but why shouldn’t she? Why should she protect him? ‘Another thing he lied about.’
Anna actually gasps. ‘He didn’t just see Abi?’
Rosie shrugs because, really, what the hell does she know about her husband any more?
‘Where did you find this out?’
‘On his computer.’
‘The one from school?’
Rosie nods and notices how Anna’s eyes widen and her mouth clenches like she’s stopping herself from shouting something out loud.
‘It’s the premeditation that really hurts,’ Rosie says, more to confirm the fact to herself than to share it with Anna.
Anna nods like she understands, but she doesn’t because she repeats, ‘Premeditation?’
Rosie looks away, waits for Anna to twig.
‘Oh, you mean the planning that went into it. Booking the time, buying the train ticket, making sure you were busy so you wouldn’t be suspicious, taking the cash out …’ Rosie holds up her hand again to show that’s enough. Anna’s made her point.
‘You’re right,’ Anna says, reaching for Rosie’s cold hand. ‘All that stuff, I can’t imagine. It must make it so much harder.’
Anna doesn’t need to explain herself. They both know what she’s getting at. That what Seb’s done is worse, much worse than what Eddy did. Even in infidelity there are hierarchies.
Rosie takes a sip of tea before saying, ‘Then there’s all this other stuff, like, at some deep level, Seb wants women to perform for him no matter the cost to them. I mean, how fucked up is that?’
Anna is back to shaking her head and says, ‘It’s so disturbing. It’s all deception and suffering, when you think about it.’
Rosie has the unsettling feeling that her friend is looking at the same problem but from a different angle to Rosie. She takes another sip of tea and Anna does the same.
‘Have you had a chance to think about what you want to do?’ Anna asks. ‘If you want to kick him out for good or …’
Rosie shakes her head and remembers asking a sobbing Anna something similar two years ago, before Anna adds, ‘Take your time, love. I’ll support you, help in any way I can. You do know that, don’t you?’