Abi looks at Lily. She has no idea what words to use, no idea how to tell her daughter that, really, it didn’t feel that different to Abi whether her arse was pressed up against the stale upholstery of an old car or against cold marble in a five-star hotel. The exchange was the same.
‘I suppose so, but really I was just careful to be safe …’ She thinks about how many times Lily, just by existing, saved Abi. Lily needed Abi so Abi had to be careful. She couldn’t ever risk any time in a hospital bed or a police cell because she always had to get home for Lily.
‘I learnt over time the kind of client I wanted to attract …’ Lily is looking at her quietly, frowning in that way she does when she’s concentrating hard. But there’s no disgust in her face, there’s no longer even any shock. She does, like she said, just want to understand. It’s the best response Abi could have hoped for, really.
Abi keeps talking. ‘I learnt a hell of a lot doing that job. I learnt how to market myself, where to advertise, how best to try and dodge time-wasters. I even learnt about boring stuff like bookkeeping and tax. But probably the most important thing I learnt was about boundaries.’
‘Like what you were prepared to do and stuff?’
Abi nods, remembering how she was pinned down once, only fifteen, Lily’s age now, by her friend’s older brother. He’d been unzipping his jeans, Abi crying beneath him, when Abi’s friend burst into the living room.
‘I actually found that it was clearer with clients than it was with other partners I had outside of work, because, you know, we’d discuss what we were going to do before meeting.’
Lily frowns. ‘Come on, Mum, what are you talking about, “other partners”? You haven’t been on a date in … Well, have you ever been on a date?’
Abi grimaces, widens her eyes, innocent, exclaiming, ‘I don’t have time!’
‘That’s what you always say.’ Lily glances back at the website and asks, a little sadly, ‘Is this the real reason why?’
Abi breathes out, rolls her lips together and says truthfully, ‘Perhaps. In part.’
Lily is quiet for a moment. Abi wants to stroke her hair, but senses Lily’s not done talking yet and she doesn’t want to disturb her.
‘How did you start? What happened?’
She’d anticipated this one.
‘You were six months old. It was the first time your dad had you for a night, looking after you at his mum’s place, which was on the same estate where I grew up. Anyway, I was pretty antsy, worried. An old friend from school was working in a bar in King’s Cross. She said she could smuggle me a couple of free drinks, so I decided to go along and distract myself from missing you. I met a man at the bar; he kept buying me drinks. It turned out he was staying at the hotel and … well, when I woke up, he was gone but he’d left cash on the side.’
He told her his name was Claude. He was probably in his forties, muscled and short, sunburnt although it was February.
‘So that’s it, you started doing it from then?’
Abi nods. Maybe, in time, she’ll tell her about how she went back to the hotel and was kicked out by the smirking security staff, the shifts she worked in a Finsbury Park brothel, the other women sneering and competitive. Maybe, one day, she’ll tell her how sometimes a girl working in the brothel would disappear without explanation. Deported? Kidnapped by a boyfriend? Arrested? The rest of them would ask briefly as they adjusted each other’s bra straps before never mentioning her name again. But she won’t tell her any of this, not now, not yet. Instead, she says, ‘I really am sorry, you know, for keeping all of this from you.’
Lily nods, accepting her apology before she says, ‘Well, I suppose all this bullshit with Blake’s mum going for Mr Kent just shows why you couldn’t be open about it.’
Abi nods; Lily’s right.
‘Does Uncle D know?’
Abi nods. ‘But even we don’t really talk about it.’
‘Why?’
‘I don’t know, really. Maybe talking about it makes the whole thing more real somehow. Like I said, he used to worry. It’s why he always kept me in the loop with his restaurant work, always wanted to help me find my way out when the time was right.’
Lily sits back in her chair, tilting her body slightly towards Abi as she asks, ‘What are you thinking now, Mum?’
‘About …’
‘Waverly, all the gossip and stuff.’
Abi sighs again. ‘Honestly? I was looking at flats this morning.’
‘Where?’
‘London, mostly.’
Lily makes a face, shakes her head. ‘I don’t want to go back to London.’
Abi isn’t surprised. The cramped city with its noise and filth had never suited her dreamy, space-seeking girl.
‘The thing is, Lil, I’m not sure it’s safe for us here any more.’
‘You mean after last night?’
Abi nods and pictures their own flat desecrated. The girls standing outside, freshly homeless.
‘Brighton?’ Lily asks and Abi smiles.
‘Brighton could work.’
‘I want to keep going to school here, though. The art department and …’ Lily doesn’t finish her sentence, but Abi is pretty sure she was about to say Blake’s name.
‘That’s fine, Lil. I understand. We’ll find a way to make it work.’