‘Mum, you have to show you’re not ashamed, that you’ve done nothing wrong …’
She casts Lily a warning look towards Margot.
‘What?’ Margot asks again, looking from her mum to her sister and back again.
She thinks Lily is going to tell her to defend Seb, to stand up for what’s right, so when Lily says simply, ‘I told Blake,’ it feels like she’s been kicked in the stomach.
‘Why is no one listening to me!’ Margot runs with a great extravagant huff out of the room.
Abi will go to her later. Right now, she can’t move.
‘You told Blake,’ Abi asks, both a question and a statement, ‘about me.’
Lily nods.
Abi feels like she’s been electrocuted. ‘When?’
‘Last night.’
Abi gets up to find her phone. The screen comes alive, but she has no new messages, there have been no phone calls. No one shouting, ‘Whore!’
Lily is looking at her steadily but it’s like Abi can’t find a safe place to land. She wants to kick things, throw the fucking bowls across the room. Instead she just pulls her hair away from her scalp and almost shouts, ‘Why the hell did you do that, Lil?’
Lily shrugs, enraging Abi even more. ‘You’re a part of my story and I’ve decided to give things a go with Blake after all, but I don’t want any secrets between us.’
She is heartbreakingly, shockingly naive. What does Lily know about romantic relationships? Abi hasn’t had a boyfriend since Lily’s dad fifteen years ago and that was a complete mess. When it came to relationships, the Disney channel had been her educator.
‘That’s not … Lil, that’s not good enough … You and Blake, you’re not going to be together forever, it’s …’
‘You said you weren’t ashamed of what you’d done, the choices you made …’
‘I’m not!’
‘Then why are you so scared?’
Abi turns away from Lily; she doesn’t want to scream at her. This fight is not between the two of them. It’s between Abi and the world that never understood her, never even tried.
She stays still, her hand covering her mouth, even as she hears the thump, thump, thump of Margot jumping down the stairs.
‘I’m still cross!’ her little voice calls from the hall.
Later, feeling calmer, she thinks Lily was probably right. They might be moving town, but the school is still going to be in all their lives for years to come. She’ll go if only to see what people are thinking; she’ll go to make sure Lily is still safe; she’ll go because not being there could mark her out, put her back on Lotte, Vita and Anna’s list of suspects.
The pavilion has the tense, excitable atmosphere of a New Year’s Eve party or – Abi imagines – a political party awaiting results on election night. There’s a long queue of people waiting to get inside, Mrs Greene at the front checking names, ensuring as best she can that everyone entering really is a parent and not a member of the press who hover by the school gates, smiling at parents, competitive and sly. As she walks through the gates Vita is talking to a friend, but her eyes fix on Abi.
On the stage at the front of the pavilion, Harriet sits behind a small desk, with two microphones on stands at either side. There are about twice as many parents as there are seats, so they spill up the aisles, a mess of chatter and expectation against every wall.
Lotte must have got there early as she’s in a prime spot on a chair at the front, holding Richard’s hand but leaning across him to talk to a couple of other people Abi only vaguely recognizes. Anna sits on her other side, her phone in her lap, staring blankly at the floor in front of her. Lonely in the noise around her. She glances up, like she can feel Abi looking. Abi looks away.
There’s no sign of Rosie and Seb.
The woman next to Abi accidentally elbows her. ‘Sorry!’ she says laughingly, before adding, ‘God, now I know how sardines feel!’
Abi smiles back at the woman, too nervous to trust herself to say anything.
On the stage Harriet moves to the nearest microphone and says, ‘Right, can you all hear me …?’ But no one can until someone at the back turns something and heads snap up as Harriet booms, ‘Afternoon, everyone. Good, that’s better. Thank you for being here. I think the incredible turnout demonstrates how committed we all are to ensuring our children have the best possible education, which is great to see.’
‘I think most people are here because they love a good gossip,’ the woman next to Abi talk-whispers as Harriet ploughs on.