“That’s good to hear,” I say. “Normal” is the key word here because of our history. Starcher is not being raised the normal way. He spends half his time with Judith and her current partner and the other half with her parents. From the hospital, she took Starcher to an apartment she shared with Gwyneth, the woman she left me for. They then spent three years trying to legally adopt Starcher, but I fought them like a rabid animal. I have nothing against gay couples adopting kids. I just couldn’t stand Gwyneth. And I was right. They split not long afterward in a nasty fight, one I enjoyed immensely from deep in left field.
It gets more complicated. The drinks arrive and we don’t bother with a polite “Cheers.” That would only waste time. We need the alcohol ASAP.
I deliver the awful news by saying, “My mother is coming to town next weekend and she’d like to see Starcher. He is, after all, her only grandson.”
“I know that,” she snaps. “It’s your weekend. You can do what you want.”
“True, but you have a way of complicating everything. I just don’t want any trouble, that’s all.”
“Your mother is nothing but trouble.”
Truer words were never spoken, and I nod in defeat. It would be a dramatic understatement to say that Judith and my mother hated each other from the opening bell. So much so that my mother informed me she would cut me out of her last will and testament if I married Judith. At the time, I was secretly having some serious doubts about our romance and our future, but that threat was the last straw. Though I expect Mom to live to be a hundred, her estate will be a delight. A guy with my income needs a dream. A subplot in this sad story is that my mother often uses her will to bully her children. My sister married a Republican and got herself cut out of the will. Two years later, the Republican, who’s really a nice guy, became the father of the most perfect granddaughter in history. Now my sister is back in the will, or so we think.
Anyway, I was preparing to break up with Judith when she gave me the crushing news that she was pregnant. I assumed I was the father, though I didn’t ask that loaded question. Later I learned the brutal truth that she was already seeing Gwyneth. Talk about a shot to the gut. I’m sure there were clues that my dearly beloved was actually a lesbian, but I missed every one of them.
We got married. Mom said she changed her will and I would get not a penny. We lived together off and on for five wretched months, were technically married for fifteen more, and split to save our sanity. Starcher arrived in the middle of the war, a casualty from birth, and we’ve been sniping at each other ever since. This ritual of meeting once a month for drinks is our homage to forced civility.
I think I’m back in my dear mother’s will.
“And what does Mummy plan to do with my child?” she asks. It’s never “our” child. She has never been able to resist the little digs, the sophomoric cheap shots. She picks at the scabs, but not even in a clever way. It’s almost impossible to ignore, but I’ve learned to bite my tongue. My tongue has scars.
“I think they’re going to the zoo.”
“She always takes him to the zoo.”
“What’s the harm in going to the zoo?”
“Well, last time he had nightmares about pythons.”
“Okay, I’ll ask her to take him somewhere else.” She’s already causing trouble. What could be wrong with taking a fairly normal seven-year-old boy to the zoo? I don’t know why we meet like this.
“How are things around the firm?” I ask, my curiosity similar to that of watching a car wreck. It’s irresistible.
“Fine,” she says. “The usual turmoil.”
“You need some boys in that firm.”
“We have enough problems.” The waiter notices both glasses are empty and goes for another round. The first drinks always disappear fast.
Judith is one of four partners in a firm of ten women, all militant lesbians. The firm specializes in gay law—discrimination in employment, housing, education, health care, and the latest: gay divorce. They’re good lawyers, tough negotiators and litigators, always on the attack and often in the news. The firm projects an image of being at war with society and never backing down. The outside fights, though, are far less colorful than the inside brawls.
“I could join as the senior partner,” I say in an effort at levity.
“You wouldn’t last ten minutes.” No man would last ten minutes in their offices. In fact, men avoid them zealously. Mention the name of her firm and men run for the hills. Fine fellows caught screwing around jump off bridges.
“You’re probably right. Do you ever miss sex with the opposite sex?”
“Seriously, Sebastian, you want to talk about straight sex, after a bad marriage and an unwanted child?”
“I like straight sex. Did you ever like it? You seemed to.”
“I was faking.”
