During my therapy sessions, I realized that Mum wasn’t rejecting me but was trying to protect me. You were so much younger and she could shield you from her grief, but it would have been far harder to hide it from me. Ironically, she sent me to boarding school because she thought it would be emotionally more secure.
So with Dr. Wong’s help, I came to understand not only myself better but also Mum, and quick facile blame transmuted into harder-won understanding.
The problem was, knowing the reason I was insecure didn’t help me to undo the damage that had been done. Something in me had been broken, and I now knew it was well intentioned—a duster knocking the ornament onto the tiled floor rather than its being smashed deliberately—but broken just the same.
So you’ll understand, I think, why I don’t share your skepticism about psychiatrists. Although I do agree that they need an artistic sensibility as well as scientific knowledge (Dr. Wong majored in comparative literature before going into medicine), and that a good psychiatrist is the modern version of a renaissance man. As I tell you that, I wonder if my respect and gratitude toward my own psychiatrist colored my opinion of Dr. Nichols—if that’s the real reason I felt that he was fundamentally decent.
I get back to the CPS offices earlier than Mr. Wright, who hurries in five minutes later, looking hassled. Maybe the lunch meeting hasn’t gone well. I presume it’s about you. Your case is huge—headline news, MPs calling for a public inquiry. It must be a big responsibility for Mr. Wright but not only is he adept at hiding the strain he must be under, he doesn’t load any pressure onto me, which I appreciate. He turns on the tape recorder and we continue.
“How soon after your meeting with Dr. Nichols did you find the paintings?”
He doesn’t need to specify—we both know which paintings he means.
“As soon as I got back to the flat I looked for them in her bedroom. She’d moved all her furniture out apart from her bed. Even the wardrobe was in the sitting room, where it looked ridiculous.”
I’m not sure why I told him that. Maybe because if you have to be a victim, I want him to know that you’re a victim with quirks, some of which used to irritate your older sister.
“There must have been forty to fifty canvases propped up around the walls,” I continue. “Most of them were oils, some on thick board, a few collages. They were all large, a minimum of a foot across. It took me a while to look through them. I didn’t want to damage any of them.”
Your paintings are staggeringly beautiful. Did I ever tell you that, or was I just too concerned that you weren’t going to earn a living? I know the answer. I was anxious that no one would buy enormous canvases with colors that wouldn’t go with their room decor, wasn’t I? I worried that the paint was so thickly applied that it might snap off and ruin someone’s carpet, rather than realizing that you’d made color itself tactile.
“It took me about half an hour to find the ones Dr. Nichols had told me about.”
Mr. Wright has seen only the four “hallucination” pictures, not the ones you did before. But I think it was the contrast that shocked me the most.
“Her other pictures were all so …” What the hell, I might as well go for it. “Joyous. Beautiful. Explosions on canvas of life and light and color.”
But you painted these four paintings in the palette of the nihilists, Pantone numbers 4625 to 4715, the blacks and browns spectrum, and in their subject matter you forced the viewer to recoil. I don’t need to explain this to Mr. Wright; he has photos of them in the file and I can just glimpse them. Made smaller, and even upside down, they still disturb me and I look hurriedly away.
“They were at the back of a big stack. Paint from the front of one had smeared the back of the next. I thought that she must have hidden them quickly, before they’d had time to dry properly.”
Did you have to hide the woman’s face, her gash of a mouth as she screamed, so that you could sleep? Or was it the masked man, dark with menace in the shadows, who disturbed you as violently as he did me?
“Todd thought they were proof that she had psychosis.”
“Todd?”
“My fiancé at the time.”
We are interrupted by Mrs. Crush Secretary, who gives Mr. Wright a sandwich; clearly his lunchtime meeting didn’t include any lunch and she has thought about this, looked after him. She barely glances at me as she gives me mineral water. He smiles at her, his open, winning smile. “Thanks, Stephanie.” His smile is going out of focus. The office is dimming. I can hear his concerned voice.
“Are you all right?”
“Yes.”
But the office is in darkness. I can hear but not see. It happened at lunch with Mum yesterday and I blamed the wine, but today there’s no scapegoat. I know that I must keep calm so the darkness will clear. And I continue, forcing myself to remember back—and in the darkness your dull-toned paintings are vivid.
