Colonel Taylor sits with his stubby of Foster's in the living room, watching the latest episode of Spycatcher. This time Steve Nolan is in a real dilemma. He has discovered that his best friend, the one he went to college with, the one who was best man at his wedding, is a Commie spy. He is very sad. He doesn't know what to do. He sits in a bar in a dishevelled condition and drinks loads of whisky. Then the bartender tells him, 'It's a dirty world out there, but if no one agrees to do the washing, the whole country goes down the shit house.' Steve Nolan hears this and gets all charged up. He rushes to the Commie spy's house in his red Ferrari. 'You are a good man, doing a bad job,' he tells his friend, before taking out his gun. 'Friendship is important. But the country comes first. I am sorry,' he says and shoots him dead.
* * *
The next night a police jeep and an Ambassador car with flashing red lights come screeching to the house at ten pm. The same Inspector who arrested Ramu gets out, together with the Commissioner of Police. Colonel Taylor is with them, looking like Steve Nolan in the bar.
Within ten minutes, the High Commissioner also arrives, looking very grim. 'What's all this?' he asks the Police Chief. 'Why has Colonel Taylor been declared persona non grata and asked to leave within forty-eight hours by the Foreign Office?'
'Well, Your Excellency, we have evidence of your officer indulging in activities incompatible with his diplomatic status. I am afraid he will have to leave the country,' the Police Chief replies.
'But what's the charge against him?'
'We caught him red-handed taking sensitive and top-secret documents from a man by the name of Jeevan Kumar, who is a clerk in the Ministry of Defence.'
Colonel Taylor looks ashen. He doesn't say these Indians are bloody fibbers. He just stands in the middle of the drawing room with his head bowed.
The High Commissioner lets out a sigh. T must say this is the first time in my long career that any of my officers has been PNG'd. And believe me, Charles is no spy. But if he has to go, he has to go.' Then he takes the Police Chief aside. 'Mr Chopra, I have sent you many cases of Black Label over the years. Can you do me a favour and answer one question?'
'Sure.'
'Just for my information, can you tell me how did you come to know about Charles's meeting today? Did this fellow Kumar lead you to him?'
'Funny you should ask. It was not Jeevan Kumar. Quite the contrary, it was one of your own guys. Called up Inspector Tyagi this morning and told him to go to India Gate at eight pm to catch Colonel Taylor receiving some secret documents.'
'I don't believe it. How can you be so sure it was an Australian?'
Inspector Tyagi steps in. 'Well, Mr Ambassador, the accent was a dead give-away. The man said something like, "G'day maite, go to India Gaite, tonight at aite." I mean, only an Australian would speak like that, wouldn't he?'
* * *
The next day, Colonel Taylor leaves Delhi alone on a Qantas flight. Mrs Taylor and the kids will follow later. I am leaving the Taylors, too. With three keyrings, six T-shirts, thirty Australian Geographic magazines which I will sell to a kabariwalla. And 52,000 rupees. In crisp new notes.
I say my hooroos to the Taylor family. Roy behaves like a whacker. Since he started taking drugs he has kangaroos loose in the top paddock. Maggie's pashing James. And I am not worried about Mrs Taylor. With the HC around, I know she'll be apples. As for me, I'm off to meet Salim in Mumbai. It'll be a bonzer!
* * *
Smita looks at her watch. It shows the time as one-thirty am. 'Are you sure you want to carry on?'
I ask.
'Do we have a choice?' she replies. 'They will file formal charges against you by tomorrow.' She presses the 'Play' button again.
* * *
We are in yet another commercial break. Prem Kumar taps his desk. 'You know what, Mr Thomas, your luck has finally run out. I am ready to bet you that you cannot answer the next question. So prepare to use one of your Lifeboats.'
The signature tune begins.
Prem Kumar turns to me. 'We now move on to question number five for fifty thousand rupees.
This one pertains to the world of diplomacy. When a government declares a foreign diplomat persona non grata, what does it mean? Is it a) that the diplomat is to be honoured, b) that the diplomat's tenure should be extended, c) that the diplomat is grateful or d) that the diplomat is not acceptable? Have you understood the question, Mr Thomas?'
'Yes,' I reply.
'OK. Then let's have your reply. Remember, both Lifeboats are still available to you. You can get A Friendly Tip, or you can ask me for Half and Half and I will remove two wrong answers, leaving you with just two choices. What do you say?'
'I say D.'
'Excuse me?'
'I said D. The diplomat is not acceptable.'
'Is that a guess? Remember, you stand to lose the ten thousand rupees you've already won if you give the wrong answer. So if you want, you can quit right now.'
'I know the answer. It is D.'
There are gasps from the audience.
