Squirrelflight's Hope полностью

Squirrelflight hurried after her. “How did you know?”

“I’ve learned to tell when a cat is expecting kits.” Leafpool stopped and met Squirrelflight’s gaze. “And you’ve told me how much you want more of your own.”

Squirrelflight stared at her. “I know I should be happy.”

Leafpool swished her tail. “Come on. Some fresh air will do you good.” She raced away, heading upslope toward the beech grove.

Squirrelflight followed, relishing the breeze as it streamed through her fur. The thrum of their paws on the forest floor was soothing. The familiar sight of the trees and brambles reassured her.

Leafpool slowed down as the trees opened into a small clearing. Marigold clustered between the ferns, and she led Squirrelflight to a splash of orange where the flowers were growing thickly. Crouching beside it, the medicine cat tugged out a stalk with her teeth and dropped it on the ground. She looked at Squirrelflight. “It’s okay to be sad.”

“Is it?” Squirrelflight blinked at her.

“It must be hard to hear that Sparkpelt’s expecting when you’re not.” Leafpool tipped her head sympathetically.

Squirrelflight looked at her paws. “I feel selfish.”

“It’s not selfish to want kits.”

“I’m happy for Sparkpelt.” Squirrelflight looked at Leafpool earnestly. “You know that, don’t you?”

“Of course you are.”

Squirrelflight sat down. “It’s just going to be difficult.” Guilt jabbed her again. “Watching my own kit have kits. I’m not ready to be that old. I want another chance. I know Sparkpelt deserves to be happy, but it’s hard watching another cat get what I want so much.”

“You deserve to be happy too.” Leafpool’s eyes rounded with sympathy.

“Bramblestar’s angry with me, and I’m probably going to die without having more kits.” Squirrelflight could feel herself sinking into self-pity, but couldn’t stop. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be happy again.”

Leafstar plucked another marigold stalk out with her teeth. “I’m not sure that’s true.”

“But it’s how I feel.” Squirrelflight glanced back toward the stone hollow. “Bramblestar says he’s wondering whether he should replace me as deputy. And he’s making up rules to test me. He doesn’t trust my judgment anymore.”

“He just needs time to calm down.” Leafpool straightened and padded toward Squirrelflight. “He was really worried when you went missing. He thought you might be dead.”

“Everything I do seems wrong at the moment. He tried to be kind to me just now, when Sparkpelt told us her news, and I snarled at him.” Squirrelflight felt suddenly as heavy as stone. “And he’s right. I shouldn’t have gone off without telling him. But I just wanted to make him see that there’s a way to stop the Clans fighting over land. And Sparkpelt …” Her shoulders sagged. “I hope she didn’t see that I was upset. I’m happy for her, I really am, but it was hard to hide how I—”

Leafpool pressed her muzzle against Squirrelflight’s cheek. “It’s okay, Squirrelflight. You don’t have to be perfect all the time.” She purred softly, and Squirrelflight felt her pain ease as the warmth from Leafpool’s cheek seeped into hers.

Squirrelflight drew away, suddenly appreciating her sister more than ever. She was still sympathetic, even after so much loss. “I can only imagine how hard it must have been for you all these moons. You’ve had to watch so many Clanmates having kits after you had to give your own away. While I was raising Jayfeather, Lionblaze, and Hollyleaf, and loving them as if they were my own, I never fully understood how much it must have hurt.”

Leafpool met her gaze steadily. “I’m grateful you risked so much to make sure I didn’t lose my place as medicine cat. And in a way, we raised them together. I was always there for them, and I could see them and take care of them.”

Squirrelflight thought of Moonlight. We are each mother to all the young. “That’s how the Sisters raise their kits. Each cat is mother to every kit, and sister to her campmates,” she told Leafpool. “In the Sisters, no cat would have made you choose between your kits and being a medicine cat. There are no rules saying who can and can’t have kits.”

“But we’re not with the Sisters; we’re Clan cats.” Leafpool’s gaze hardened. “And no cat made me choose. I did what I thought was best.” Her mew was suddenly brittle, and Squirrelflight knew that she’d touched a nerve. “There’s no point imagining that it could have happened any other way. I did what I did, and it’s no use regretting it. My bond with StarClan was too strong to think about giving it up.” She narrowed her eyes. “Do the Sisters share with their ancestors?”

“I don’t know. Moonlight mentioned ancestors, but I don’t think they share with them like we share with StarClan. They were descended from kittypets, after all.”