'I was growing, and learning fast, and I came to despise the Stauffers. I should not have done so; it was not in the play he had written out in his mind. There was no scope for me to grow and to change. But I saw how husband and wife behaved to each other and to the outside world, and learned that this marriage which was so enviable was pretence. It worked well enough, I suppose, but you must remember I had been schooled by novels; Madame Bovary was my best friend; Rastignac my real lover. The barely concealed hatreds that kept the Stauffer marriage together began to excite in me disdain and loathing. I would love, or I would be free. The price for my liberty would be high; the man willing to pay it would be extraordinary. Not like Dr Stauffer, with his moustaches, and fat belly, and smell of cigars, and fumbling grunts as he pawed me.
'But there was also a man called Wichmann, a man I hated more than any man I have ever known. He was sly, mendacious, cruel. A dirty man with a dirty soul. He found out about me and Dr Stauffer, and set a price for his silence. The price was me, and Dr Stauffer paid it. I was handed over to him, when he wanted me. For all his failings, Dr Stauffer was a kindly man; Wichmann was not. He liked to do things, and made me do things, which were horrible. But he taught me, as well; I learned that I could even control a man like that, by doing more than he wanted, and allowing him to do as he pleased. Do you want to hear what I learned to do at his hands? I will tell you, if it pleases you. I will tell you anything you wish to hear.'
I shook my head. 'I think I deserve better than that from you,' I replied reproachfully.
She shook her head. 'You are an unusual man,' she said.
'Perhaps.'
'I couldn't stand it, eventually. So I brought it all to an end. Not deliberately, not thought out; I didn't really know what I was doing; but we were caught, and it was my doing. Dr Stauffer became bolder, and I encouraged him into taking more and more risks. One day his wife was due to go out for a lunch, but I heard it had been cancelled, so she decided to go for a short walk instead, and come back to eat at the house. Dr Stauffer did not know this, and I goaded him into wanting me. I could do that easily by then.
'So we were surprised, in the grossest way imaginable. His wife came in, stared, and walked out again. She was a kind, but fairly stupid woman, given to generosity to orphans, but incapable of understanding adults, or herself. I do not think it ever crossed her mind that her preoccupation with charities and lunches might have left a hole in her husband's life which he would seek to fill elsewhere. A more sophisticated woman would have had a blazing row and let the matter drop. She would not. She wished to separate, and then I learned that this, for Dr Stauffer, would be cataclysmic. He had no money of his own; the family fortune was hers, and she intended to make him realise it. I do not know the details; I was, naturally, packing my things. Dr Stauffer dismissed me within seconds of his wife leaving the room; before I had even managed to pull my dress down. He was going to throw all the blame on me. Wiles of a temptress. Well, of course he was; I couldn't blame him.
'But it didn't work; I only gathered approximately what had happened, but I think she was not prepared to take his excuses. She was stupid, but not that stupid. That was all I knew; what happened then was not my concern any more. I had to leave, and leave quickly. It was obvious that I would never get another position in Lausanne. So I left the city, and left Switzerland.'
'You did not murder Madame Stauffer?'
'How do you know about that?'
She had not mentioned it; Jules had discovered it. She was suspicious now and on the brink of closing up on me.
'How do you know about that?'
'It was not hard,' I said. 'And it does not matter. You must tell me everything. Good, bad and shameful. It is not as if I am in a position to judge.'
She looked coolly at me for a few more seconds, then relaxed. 'I suppose you're not,' she said quietly. 'Very well. To answer your question, no. I would never have done that. She had been good to me. I meant her no harm at all. Do you believe me?'
I shrugged.
'Listen to the rest of my story and decide. It seems I am to lay myself bare to you, so you might as well know everything.'
'Very well.'
