" Yes, sir." " You'U upset it." " Yes, sir." " Oy! " " Sir ? " " You'll set the house on fire . " Yes, sir." And then there came a far-off crash of glass, and the Sergeant went bounding down the stairs. This was followed by a sound which gave me the impression that Brinkley, feeling that he had done his bit, had galloped to the front door and slammed it after him. And after that another slam, as if the sergeant, too, had made a break for the open. And then, filtering through the keyhole, came a little puff of smoke. I don't suppose there is anything that makes much better burning than one of these old country cottages. You just put a match to them-or upset a lamp in the hall, as the case may be-and up they go. It couldn't have been more than half a minute before a merry cracklingcame to my ears and a bit of the floor over in the corner suddenly burst into a cheerful flame. It was enough for Bertram. A moment before, I had been messing about with knotted sheets with a view to what you might call the departure deluxe and generally loafing about and taking my time over the thing. I now quickened up quite a good deal.
It was borne in upon me that anything in the nature of leisurely comfort was off. In the next thirty
seconds cats on hot bricks could have picked up hints from me. I remember reading in a paper once one of those Interesting Problem things about Suppose You were in a Burning House, what would you save ? If I recollect rightly, a baby entered into it. Also a priceless picture and, if I am not mistaken, a bedridden aunt. I know there was a wide choice, and you were supposed to knit the brow and think the thing out from every angle. On the present occasion I did not hesitate. I looked round immediately for my banjolele. Conceive my dismay when I remembered that I had left it in the sitting-room. Well, I wasn't going down to that sitting-room even for the faithful old musical instrument. Already it was beginning to be a very moot point whether I wouldn't get cooked to a crisp, because that genial glow over in the corner had now spread not a little. With a regretful sigh I hopped hurriedly to the window, and the next moment I was dropping like the gentle dew upon the place beneath.
Or is it rain ? I always forget. Jeeves would know. I made a smooth landing and shot silently through the hedge at the junction between my back garden and Sergeant Voules's little bit, and continued to leg it till I was in a sort of wood-I suppose about half a mile from the pulsing centre of affairs. The sky was all lit up, and in the distance I could hear the sound of the local fire brigade going about its duties. I sat down on a stump, and took time off to pass the situation under review.
Wasn't it Robinson Crusoe or someone who, when things were working out a bit messily for him, used to draw up a sort of Credit and Debit account, in order to see exactly where he stood and ascertain whether he was behind or ahead of the game at that particular moment? I know it was someone, and I had always thought it rather a sound idea. This was what I did now. In my head, of course, and keeping a wary eye out for possible pursuers. The thing came out about as follows :
Credit Debit
Well, here I am, what ? Yes, but your bally house has burned down.
Not mine. Chuffy's. Yes, I know, but all your things are in it.
Nothing of value. How about the banjolele ?
Oh, my gosh 1 That's true. I thought that would make you think a bit.
You needn't rub it in. I'm not rubbing it in. I am merely saying that your banjolele has been reduced to a heap of ashes.
Well, I'd have looked a A footling bit of reasoning. damn sight sillier if it bad been me.
Well, anyway, I've got away How do you know you from old Stoker, have ?
He hasn't caught me yet. No, but he may.
I've still time to get that My poor ass, you can't go 10.21 train, getting on trains with your face all black.
Butter will remove the Yes, but you have no butter. blacking.
I can buy some. How ? Got any money on you ?
Well, no. Ah t
Why shouldn't I get some Who ? one to give me butter ?
Why, Jeeves, of course. All I have to do is to go to the Hall and put the whole case before Jeeves and tell him to rally round, and there I'll be, as right as rain, with nothing more to worry about. Jeeves will know where to lay his hand on seas of butter. You see! It's perfectly simple if you think it out and don't lose your head.
And, by Jove, there didn't seem a single Debit to shove against that. I examined the position thoroughly, trying to find one, but at
the end of five minutes I saw that I had got the Debit account stymied.
