I ALWAYS maintain that it is by a chap's behaviour on this sort of occasion that you can really weigh him in the balance and judge if he's got the right chivalrous delicacy in him or not. It is the acid test.
Come to me and say to me " Wooster, you know me pretty well. Tell me something. To settle a bet, would you consider that I was a preux chevalier, as the expression is ? " and I reply " My dear Bates, or Cuthbertson, or whatever the name may be, I shall be able to answer that question better if you will indicate what you would do if you happened to be in a room where two loving hearts, after a painful misunderstanding, were in the process of getting together again on a basis of chumminess and mutual esteem. Would you duck down behind the desk ? Or would you stand there and drink the performance in with bulging eyes ? " My own views are rigid. When a lovers' reconciliation is in progress, I do not remain goggling. As far as the conditions will permit, I withdraw and leave them to it. But though, with the desk between us, I could not see these two, I could hear them, and
most unpleasant it was. I have known Chuffy, as I say, practically from childhood, and in the course of the years I have seen him in a variety of; differing circumstances and in many moods. Ahd I never would have believed him capable o^ the revolting slush which now proceeded from his lips at the rate of about two hundred and filty words to the minute.
When I tell you that the observation " There, there, little girl! " was the only one I can bring myself to quote, you will be able to gather something of the ordeal to which I was subjected. And, to make matters worse, on an empty stomach, mind you. Pauline, meanwhile, was contributing little or nothing to the dialogue. Until this moment I had considered that, in the matter of emotional reaction to my appearance, the scullery maid had set a mark at which others who met me suddenly might shoot in vain. But Pauline eclipsed Her completely. She remained in Chuffy's arms gurgling like a leaky radiator, and it was only quite some little time later that she began to regain anything of a grip on her faculties. The girl seemed goofy. I suppose the fact of the matter was that at the moment when I manifested myself she was undergoing a considerable mental strain, and that my appearance served, as it were, to put the tin hat on it. At any rate, she continued to give this radiator impersonation of hers so long that in the end it seemed to strike Chuffy that it was about time he switched off the murmured endearments and got down to first causes. " But, darling," I heard him say. " What was it, angel ? What scared you, sweetheart ? Tell me, precious. Did you see something, pet ? " It seemed to me that the moment had come to join the meeting. I rose above the top of the desk, and Pauline shied like a frightened horse. It annoyed me, I confess. Bertram Wooster is not accustomed to causing convulsions in the gentler sex. As a matter of fact, usually when girls see me, they incline rather to the amused smile, or, on occasion, to the weary sigh and the despairing "
Oh, are you here again, Bertie ? " But better even that than this stark horror. " Hallo, Chuffy," I said. " Nice day." You might have thought that relief would have been the emotion uppermost in Pauline Stoker's bosom on discovering that the cause of her panic was merely an old friend. But no. She absolutely glared at me. " You poor goof," she cried, " what's the big idea, playing hide-and-go-seek like that and scaring people stiff ? And I don't know if you know it, but you've got a smut on your face." Nor was Chuffy behindhand in the recriminations. "
Bertie I " he said, in a sort of moaning way. " My God! I might have guessed it would be you. You really are without
exception the most completely drivelling lunatic that was ever at large." I felt it was time to check this sort of thing pretty sharply. "
I regret," I said, with a cold hauteur, " that I startled this young fathead, but my motives in concealing myself behind that desk were based on prudence and sound reasoning. And, talking of lunatics, Chuffnell, don't forget that I was compelled to overhear what you have been saying for the last five minutes." I was pleased to see the blush of shame mantle his cheek. He shuffled uncomfortably. " You oughtn't to have listened." " You don't imagine that I wanted to listen, do you ? "
Something of defrance or bravado came into his manner. " And why the devil shouldn't I talk like that ? I love her, blast you, and I don't care who knows it." " Oh, quite," I said, with a scarcely veiled contempt. " She's the most marvelous thing on earth." " No, you are, darling," said Pauline. " No, you are, angel," said Chuffy. " No, you are, sweetness." " No, you are, precious." " Please," I said. " Please I " Chuffy gave me a nasty look. " You were saying, Wooster ? " " Oh, nothing."
" I thought you made a remark." " Oh, no." " Good. You'd better not."
