The Complete Yes Minister полностью

I reminded him. I knew he must have seen it, someone must have drawn his attention to it. ‘You know,’ I added, ‘about that frightful cock-up thirty years ago over the terms of that Scottish island base.’

Now, as I think back, he seemed to flinch a little as I said ‘that frightful cock-up’. Though I must say, I wasn’t really aware of it at the time.

Anyway, he did remember the article, and he said that he believed that he had glanced at it, yes.

‘I must say,’ I said, chuckling, ‘I think it’s pretty funny — forty million quid down the tube. Someone really boobed there, didn’t they?’

He nodded and smiled, a little wanly.

‘Still, it couldn’t happen in your Department could it?’

‘No,’ he said with absolute firmness. ‘Oh no. Absolutely.’

I said that I’d been wondering who it was.

‘That, Minister, is something that we shall never know.’

I pointed out that it must be on the files. Everything is always put in writing, as he so constantly reminds me.

Humphrey agreed that it would be on the record somewhere, but it would take ages to find out and it’s obviously not worth anyone’s time.

‘Actually, you’re wrong there,’ I said. ‘The Mail are doing a big feature on it when the papers are released under the Thirty-Year Rule. I’ve promised them a free run of all the files.’

Humphrey literally rocked backwards on his feet.

‘Minister!’

I was slightly shaken by his anger. Or was it anger? I couldn’t tell.

‘It’s all right, isn’t it?’ I asked anxiously.

Yes, it was anger! ‘All right? All right? No, it is certainly not all right.’

I asked why not. He told me it was ‘impossible and unthinkable’. That didn’t sound like much of an explanation to me, and I said as much.

‘It… it’s… top security, Minister.’

‘A few barracks?’

‘But there were secret naval installations, anti-submarine systems, low-level-radar towers.’

I pointed out that he couldn’t possibly know what had been there. He agreed at once, but added — rather lamely, I thought — that that’s the sort of thing those island bases always had.

‘They’ll have been dismantled,’ I said. His objection was clearly quite irrelevant.

‘But the papers will have references.’

‘It’s ancient history.’

‘Anyway,’ he said with evident relief, ‘we’d have to consult. Get clearances.’

A few months ago I would have accepted that sort of remark from Humphrey. Now, I’m just a little older and wiser.

‘Who from?’ I asked.

He looked wildly about, and spoke completely incoherently. ‘Security implications… MI5, MI6… the national interest… foreign powers… consult our allies… top brass… CIA… NATO, SEATO, Moscow!’

‘Humphrey,’ I asked carefully, ‘are you all right?’

‘Not Moscow, no, I don’t mean Moscow,’ he corrected himself hastily. I got the impression that he was just saying the first words that came into his head, and that the word Moscow had been uttered simply because it rhymed.

He could see I wasn’t convinced, and added: ‘There could be information that would damage people still alive.’

This seemed to matter to him greatly. But it cut no ice with me.

‘Whoever drafted that contract,’ I insisted, ‘ought to be damaged if he’s still alive.’

‘Oh, quite, absolutely, no question of protecting officials. Of course not. But responsible Ministers…’

I interrupted him. I wasn’t the least concerned about some Minister who’d been responsible thirty years ago. It couldn’t matter less. Anyway, the other lot were in office then, so it’s fairly amusing.

I simply couldn’t figure out the reason for his intense opposition to releasing these papers. I asked him why he was so concerned.

He sat back in his chair and crossed his legs casually. ‘I’m not. Not at all. I mean, not personally. But it’s the principle, the precedent… the… the…’ he was lost for words ‘… the policy.’

Trapped. I’d got him. ‘Policy’s up to me, Humphrey, remember?’ I said with a smile. And before he could continue the argument I added, ‘And I’ve promised, so it’s done now, okay?’

He just sat there, sagging slightly, looking at me. Evidently he was trying to decide whether or not to say something. Finally he gave up. He stood wearily and, without looking at me, walked silently out of the room and shut the door behind him.

He seemed tired, listless, and quite without his usual energy.

Bernard had been present throughout the meeting. He waited, patiently, as usual, to be either used or dismissed.

I gazed at the door which Humphrey had closed quietly behind him.

‘What’s the matter with Humphrey?’ I asked. There was no reply from Bernard. ‘Have I done something wrong?’ Again there was no reply. ‘There aren’t any security aspects, are there?’ This time I waited a while, but answer came there none. ‘So what is the problem?’ I turned to look at Bernard, who appeared to be staring vacantly into space like a contented heifer chewing the cud.

‘Am I talking to myself?’

He turned his gaze in my direction.

‘No Minister, I am listening.’

‘Then why don’t you reply?’

‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘I thought your questions were purely rhetorical. I can see no reason for Sir Humphrey to be so anxious.’