‘Ooooh,’ he said excitedly, ‘my first Princess-rescuing gig. If her guards try to stop me, can I vaporise them all with a scorching lungful of fire that leaves only a pile of carbonised bones, heat-distorted armour and the faint smell of a hog roast? I’ve always wanted to do that.’
‘You … must use whatever force you feel is necessary to restore the true monarchy.’
‘Good,’ he said. ‘I’ll be off as soon as I’ve eaten seven cans of curried beans, nine cabbages, a dozen assorted fish-heads, four pints of soured cream and six dozen slightly-off eggs.’
I didn’t need to ask why. A Dragon’s fiery breath is basically methane,48 which is generated in a separate stomach, then lit by a pilot light in the gullet before being expelled out of a nostril or the mouth. I shut the bedroom window and hugged General Worrier warmly.
‘Thank you,’ I whispered in his ear. ‘You and your team have done the Crown, the Kingdoms and the planet a great service and it shall not be forgotten.’
‘Not if she isn’t rescued, we’re all vanquished or we got it wrong,’ he said. ‘Then we’ll all go from hero to zero faster than you can whistle the Catalina Magdalena Hoopensteiner song.’
‘Not in my eyes.’
I looked at my watch. I had full confidence in Colin’s princess-rescuing abilities, but I needed to find out why Zambini left me in the orphanage as a baby and what made Shandar so fearful of me. I had to visit Mother Zenobia, but the orphanage was back in Herefordshire and a drive would be too long and perilous, so I removed from around my neck the Cloud Leviathan’s tooth that had been fashioned into a whistle, and blew on it. I’d not done this before, and knew only that Ralph would hear and help me if I asked. That’s the thing about Australopithecines who are the result of an Evolutionary Master Reset49 – they can be trusted on a favour if things really get out of hand.
The Cloud Leviathan’s whistle made no noise, but I knew it had been effective as I heard dogs whine and bark outside. Ralph could be anywhere, but a Leviathan was swift.
Once everyone had gone I had a quick bath, dressed and came downstairs for breakfast. The new Queen was lording it over everyone in the ballroom, which was now a VIP breakfast area. I heard later that she’d had the Rice Krispies checked to ensure they were all the same size, and the porridge rejected nine times until the consistency was just right. The King was also present with most of his retinue, including those who would have killed me the night before if Kevin’s strategic fibbing hadn’t won the day.
The royals all had a separate, screened-off area in which to eat, but I also noticed the Quarkbeast had not yet moved from the spot he had adopted the night before. I winked at him as I walked past, and he winked back. He hadn’t been captured at all by the King’s men. The most they could hope to boast was that they knew where he was.
I sat down at a table with Boo, Monty Vanguard and Tiger. Colin had left soon after his methane-inducing feast, and although the Isles of Scilly would only be twenty minutes’ flight time away, he had not yet sent word of progress. It would be safe to assume he would observe the tower first in order to confirm she was there, numbers in the garrison, the Btu50 value of a human, that sort of thing. He knew the importance of the mission, and I trusted he would be cautious, yet victorious.
‘Where are Full Price and Lady Mawgon imprisoned?’ I asked.
‘In the Cornwall Department of Corrections in St Ives,’ said Boo.
‘They’ll be free as soon as we get the Princess back,’ said Tiger.
‘How do we prove she’s the Princess?’ asked Boo.
‘We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. What about the Trolls, Monty? William of Anorak told me the way to defeat Trolls might have been forgotten down the years and scrubbed from the archives by Shandar, eager to make their defeat impossible.’
‘I’ve been doing a bit of reading,’ replied Monty, ‘and trying to work the problem backwards to figure out a solution. We know that fighting the Troll was a big deal during the Roman invasion of Britain, and Emperor Hadrian defeated the Troll by banishing them beyond the wall that bears his name. Later on, Emperor Antonine established a new wall sixty miles to the north. As far as we know that was the last time the Trolls invaded – each subsequent war was the result of humans attacking
‘The Roman Troll Wars are well documented,’ said Boo. ‘Battle re-enactors seem to do little else. Where are you going with this?’
‘This: that defeating Trolls seems to revolve around having not
‘Is this significant?’ I asked.
‘I think so. But there are rumours of
‘What does that mean?’
