The rest of the princesses started to kneel, and it moved like a wave around the room. Even Sir Matt’s retinue kneeled before her, and that included the wiry one with the wide-set eyes, and the shabby curate with the ill-fitting hat.
‘This is despicable,’ said Sir Matt, rising from the throne. ‘Guards, arrest that impostor and have her executed on the steps outside, then hung in one of those metal cagey things as a lesson to—’
‘Hush,’ said the Princess. ‘Your days of ordering people around are over. Minister for Justice?’
The man with the oversized wig obsequiously moved forward, bowing so much that he was soon on his knees. By the time he reached her it had devolved into a fawning grovel.
‘Yes, Your Majesty? Would you like me to have these two charlatans executed? We could conduct a trial if you want, but I think the verdict is pretty much foregone.’
‘No. You are to find a hovel somewhere, of two bedrooms, with two acres of stony ground and a pig. It shall be given to Mr and Mrs Grifflon here, to enjoy their married life together. There shall be no executions today.’
‘Wait,’ said Sir Matt, ‘all that marriage stuff was just to get the Crown. I didn’t actually
‘Cheek,’ said Betty. ‘Thanks to you I’ve cut my own hand off for nothing.’
‘Was the marriage legal?’ the Princess asked the shabby curate.
‘It was, my Queen.’
‘I’m a knight,’ muttered Sir Matt. ‘It’s not permitted for me to be treated in this way.’
‘Not any more,’ said the Princess. ‘You are stripped of all honours, lands, titles and privileges. Your recording backlist and all rights thereto are to be given to orphanages, and your sword, armour, impressive mane of blond hair are all forfeit – but you may keep the moustache and the clothes on your back, aside from your cloak, which will be made into rags to polish the floor.’
‘I will have my revenge on you for this,’ screamed Betty Scrubb.
‘You will not,’ said the Princess, ‘for precisely the reason you failed in your coup. Yes, you are dishonest and scheming, but you’re really
Mr Matt Grifflon looked empty, defeated and, for the first time, almost apologetic.
‘I do, my Queen.’
‘Good. Take them away.’
And they were, by the very people who they thought would protect them. I retrieved the ring of state from Betty Scrubb’s finger and handed it to the Princess, who placed it on her own.
‘Where is Princess Tabathini?’
‘Here, ma’am.’
‘For your quick thinking, I make you head lady-in-waiting. All other princess rights are unchanged, the threat of demotion forever removed. Your vacuous levels of self-absorption are now a right enshrined forever in law. Jennifer, you are once more a knight, and Tiger, you are again Earl Prawns, adviser to the Crown.’
‘Your Majesty,’ said the Minister for Justice, ‘your throne awaits you.’
‘You can hand them back,’ said the Princess. ‘There shall be no thrones, no crowns, no baubles, no grovelling, no averting of eyes. I shall not be crowned until this nation is safe, for until then I will not have deserved it. Although we have seen off the usurpers, there is still tyranny afoot in my Kingdom. That we shall defeat the Trolls and the Mighty Shandar is not certain, but by the memory of my mother and father and all those who gave their lives to defend these islands, we will not stop trying while there is a last gasp in our bodies.’
There were three loud ‘Huzzahs!’ at this.
‘Good,’ she said. ‘We reconvene in an hour to discuss Shandar and the Trolls. Now,’ she added, oddly reverting to the part of her that would always be Laura Scrubb, ‘I’ve got to spend some time in the khazi. They gave me curry for dinner last night and I think it’s going to be bad.’
The Princess and I visited the Button Trench around teatime. Sorting out the chaos of the two recent changes in administration took a frustratingly long time, especially given that time was something currently in short supply. It was now Sunday afternoon, and the Troll invasion was slated for dawn the following morning. The Quarkbeast had been returned to us by Grifflon’s men, but we still had no intention of giving him up.
