Weinmann’s decision had provoked an irrational surge of hatred and resentment in me; but when I arrived in the Crimea, I understood right away that he had been correct. During the long train journey, I had thought a little; I let my thoughts roam over the vast white expanses. I missed Hanika. The empty room, when I had returned to it to prepare my kit, had brought a lump to my throat; I felt as if I were covered from head to foot in Hanika’s blood, and I changed furiously; all my uniforms seemed unclean to me, and that drove me out of my mind. Once again, I had a vomiting fit; but I didn’t even think of crying. I left as soon as possible, via Dniepropetrovsk to Simferopol. Most of the men on the train were convalescents or men on leave, being sent to recover after the horrors of the front. A military doctor explained to me that in January alone, we had lost the equivalent of twelve divisions to frost and illness. Already the temperature was getting a little warmer, and we were starting to hope that the hardest part was over; but it had been one of the worst winters in memory, not just in Russia—so cold that everywhere in Europe they were burning books, furniture, pianos, even antique ones, just as from one end of the Continent to the other everything that had been the pride and joy of our civilization was burning. The Negroes in their jungle, I said to myself bitterly, must be having a good laugh at us if they’re up on the news. Our mad ambitions, for now, were not bringing the anticipated result, and everywhere suffering was increasing, expanding. Even the Reich was no longer safe: the British were launching huge air raids, especially on the Ruhr and the Rhine; the officers who had their families in those regions were very much affected by them. In my compartment alone, a Hauptmann in the artillery, wounded in the leg in front of Izyum, had lost his two children during the bombing of Wuppertal; they had told him he could go back home, but he had asked to go to the Crimea instead, as he didn’t want to face his wife. “I just couldn’t,” he let out laconically before relapsing into silence.
