The Secret Place полностью

I could see it. Didn’t say it to Conway, but I could see so clearly. Thrown out of here would feel like thrown over a wall into blackened rubble and air made of grime. Everything gone; everything golden and lit, everything silken, everything carved in delicate curlicues to welcome your fingertips, everything made to chime in sweet spacious harmonies: gone, and a flaming sword to bar your way back forever.

Conway leaning back against the wall and watching me at a slant, through those streaks of warrior hair. One dark eye, hooded.

I said, ‘Let’s see the rest.’

The texts between Chris and Selena started on the 25th of February, and they were different. No flirting, no sexy talk, no wheedling for pics; none of that feel, speed and fever.

Hi

Hi

That was it, their first conversation. Just feeling the other one there.

Over the next couple of days they started telling each other stories. Chris’s class had made some gadget that beeped at random intervals, stuck it under a desk and watched their Irish teacher lose his mind. Selena’s class had been messing with Houlihan’s head by inching their desks forward, too gradually to spot, till she was practically pinned against the blackboard. Small stories, to make each other laugh.

Then – carefully, step by step, like they had all the time in the world – they moved into personal stuff.

Chris: OK so this wknd I get home n my sister’s cut her hair in one of those emo fringes. What do I do??

Selena: Depends, does it look good?

Chris: Actually not bad… or wouldn’t be bad if she’d got it done at the hairdresser instead of doing it herself with nail scisors:-0

Selena: LOL! Then take her to the hairdresser + get it done right!

Chris: I might actually do it:-D

Late-night texts, typoed, hurrying in the jacks or texting blind under covers. Chris’s sister loved her pro haircut. He and his friends got locked at someone’s brother’s party, shouted insults at some girl on their way home, Chris felt guilty about it in the morning (Sooo complex, Conway’s eye-roll said, such a sensitive soul). Selena wished her dad and her mum would talk when one of them dropped her off at the other’s place; Chris wished his parents would stop talking, because they always ended up yelling. They were getting close.

Feeling their way closer. Chris: Nothing intelligent to say, was just thinking about you

Selena: That’s mental, I was just going to text you to say I was thinking about you

Chris: In fairness I think about you alot so not that crazy of a concidence

Selena: Don’t be like that

Chris: I know sorry. I actully mean it. It just comes out sounding fake

Selena: Then don’t say anything. You know you don’t have to say stuff to me right?

Chris: Yeah. Just I don’t want you thinking this doesn’t matter to me

Selena: I won’t. I promise

Nothing like Chris’s flirtations, overused words from telly scripts, with empty space underneath. This was something else; the real thing, confusing, thrilling, script going out of the window. Sappy stuff, once-in-a-lifetime stuff, stuff to make you cringe and break your heart.

I said, ‘You think he’s faking that?’ Got that hooded dark eye again, and no answer.

Then, from Chris: I wish we could talk properly. This is stupid.

Selena: Me too

Chris: We could try meeting after school in the field or in the park??

Selena: Wouldn’t be the same. Like we said before. And someone would see us

Chris: Then somewhere else. Like we can find a cafe in the other direcion.

Selena: No. My friends would want to know where I was going. I’m not going to lie to them, this is bad enough

Conway said, ‘This isn’t like with Joanne and the others, where Chris wants to keep them under wraps and they’re pushing to go public. Selena wants to stay on the down-low too.’

‘Like we said: she knows at least one of her gang wouldn’t be happy.’

‘Julia knew Chris was a dog. And Holly didn’t like him one little bit.’