The Secret Place полностью

‘Ew,’ Becca says, to Julia. ‘You were right. It’s like little kids’ medicine.’

‘Minty ass. Bin it. We can share this one.’

Selena says, ‘I think we should start getting out at night.’

The others’ heads turn.

‘Out like what?’ Holly asks. ‘Like out of our room, like to the common room? Or out out?’

‘Out out.’

Julia says, eyebrows up, ‘Why?’

Selena thinks about that. She hears all the voices from when she was little, soothing, strengthening: Don’t be scared, not of monsters, not of witches, not of big dogs. And now, snapping loud from every direction: Be scared, you have to be scared, ordering like this is your one absolute duty. Be scared you’re fat, be scared your boobs are too big and be scared they’re too small. Be scared to walk on your own, specially anywhere quiet enough that you can hear yourself think. Be scared of wearing the wrong stuff, saying the wrong thing, having a stupid laugh, being uncool. Be scared of guys not fancying you; be scared of guys, they’re animals, rabid, can’t stop themselves. Be scared of girls, they’re all vicious, they’ll cut you down before you can cut them. Be scared of strangers. Be scared you won’t do well enough in your exams, be scared of getting in trouble. Be scared terrified petrified that everything you are is every kind of wrong. Good girl.

At the same time, in a cool untouched part of her mind, she sees the moon. She feels the shimmer of what it might look like in their own private midnight.

She says, ‘We’re different now. That was the whole point. So we need to be doing something different. Otherwise…’

She doesn’t know how to say what she sees. That moment in the glade sliding away, blurring. Them dulling slowly back to normal.

‘Otherwise it’s just about what we don’t do, and we’ll end up going back to the way things were before. There needs to be something we actually do.’

Becca says, ‘If we get caught, we’ll get expelled.’

‘I know,’ Selena says. ‘That’s part of the point. We’re too good. We always behave ourselves.’

‘Speak for yourself,’ Julia says, and sucks gingerbread something mocha off her hand with a pop.

‘You do too – yeah, Jules, you do. Snogging a couple of guys and having a can or a cigarette sometimes, that doesn’t count. Everyone does that. Everyone expects us to do it; even adults, they’d be more worried about us if we didn’t do it. Nobody except Sister Cornelius actually thinks it’s a big deal, and she’s insane.’

‘So? I don’t actually want to rob banks or shoot up heroin, thanks. If that makes me a goody-goody, I’ll live with it.’

‘So,’ Selena says, ‘we only ever do stuff we’re supposed to do. Either stuff we’re supposed to do because our parents or the teachers say so, or stuff we’re supposed to do because we’re teenagers and all teenagers do it. I want to do something we’re not supposed to do.’

‘An original sin,’ Holly says, through a marshmallow. ‘I like it. I’m in.’

‘Oh, Jesus, you too? For Christmas I want friends who aren’t freaks.’

‘I feel criticised,’ Holly says, hand to her heart. ‘Should I use my D’s?’

‘Don’t be Defensive,’ Becca drones, in Sister Ignatius’s voice. ‘Don’t be Despondent. Take a Deep breath and be a Dickhead.’

‘It’s OK for you,’ Julia tells Holly. ‘If you get kicked out, your dad’ll probably give you a prize. My parents will freak. The fuck. Out. And they won’t be able to decide who was the bad influence on who, so they’ll just play it safe and never let me see any of you again.’

Becca is folding up a silk scarf that she already knows her mother will never wear. She says, ‘My parents would freak out too. I don’t care.’

Julia snorts. ‘Your mother would be delighted. If you can convince her that you were heading to a gang bang in a coke den, you’ll make her year.’ Becca is not what her parents had in mind. Usually she practically curls into a ball when they come up.

‘Yeah, but having to find me a new school would be hassle. They’d have to fly home and everything. And they hate hassle.’ Becca shoves the scarf back in her bag. ‘So they actually would completely freak out. And I still don’t care. I want to go out.’

‘Look at that,’ Julia says, amused, leaning back on one hand to examine Becca. ‘Look who’s got ballsy all of a sudden. Good for you, Becs.’ She raises the cup. Becca shrugs, embarrassed. ‘Look: I’m so on for an original sin. But could we please make it, like, a good one? Call me a pussy, but getting expelled in exchange for what, exactly? Getting a cold up my gee sitting on a lawn where I can already sit any day I want to? Not exactly my idea of a good time.’

Selena knew Julia would be the hardest to convince. ‘Look,’ she says, ‘I’m scared of getting caught too. My dad wouldn’t care if I got expelled, but my mum would lose her mind. But I’m so sick of being scared of stuff. We need to do something we’re scared of.’

‘I’m not scared. I’m just not stupid. Can’t we just, like, dye our hair purple or-’