‘That’s my name.’
‘What about Tanya? And Natalia, Tatyana and Inez?’
‘I like to think of them as my stage names.’
‘Actresses have stage names. Not pickpockets.’
‘Are you making fun of me?’
‘I’m just trying to understand why you go by so many names.’
‘How are you supposed to make it in this world if you aren’t prepared to sacrifice something like a name?’
‘I still don’t know which is your real name.’
‘Do you know how I came to Sweden?’
He was surprised by her question. Her voice sounded different, less hard and remote.
‘No, I don’t know that.’
‘I rowed.’
‘How do you mean “rowed”?’
‘It means what you think it means. I rowed to Sweden.’
‘From where?’
‘From Tallinn.’
‘From Estonia to Sweden? That’s impossible!’
I’m here, aren’t I? I was forced to row, I had no choice. I would not have dared to try to get through the passport check in customs after the ferry from Tallinn to Sweden when I was escaping from those who had kept me imprisoned. I walked away and came to a small fishing dock. There was a boat pulled up on the shore. I knew I had to get away from the city or I would die. I sat down in the boat and rowed out of the bay. There was no wind. I had no idea how far it was. I rowed all night. The only thing I had with me was some water and a few sandwiches. When dawn came I was surrounded by ocean on all sides. I didn’t even know which way to row, but then I tried to orient myself by the sun. I steered west. I rowed straight into the sunset.
The second day I saw a passenger ship in the distance. I thought it was probably headed for Sweden. I kept rowing. My back and arms had lost almost all feeling, but I had to keep rowing to keep my panic at bay. I was rowing away from the hell I had been in since leaving Smolensk. It is still hard for me to think about that time. It was much worse than having the Swedish police on your heels. I can really only think of it if I turn it into a story about someone else. I can still see him clearly, the man I met in Smolensk who promised me that I could have a bright future in Tallinn if I came and worked in his friend’s restaurant. Every morning I pray that he has died, that the world has become rid of him, been rid of the burden that an evil man is.
That second night at sea the wind picked up. I don’t know if it was a real storm but I had to continually scoop water out of the boat. It was like that for two days. I don’t remember anything except that I was cold and I had to keep scooping. I fainted several times, but I had bound the oars to my belt because I knew I would never make it without them. I loved those oars, they were what kept me alive. It wasn’t the boat, it was the oars. If I ever build a temple there will be two oars by the altar. I could start my own religion where I pray to two old oars that smell of tar.
