The Square Peg or The Gun Fella полностью

“Why,” he cried, “this will reduce the weight of a soldier’s equipment by fifteen pounds, increase his deadliness perhaps five hundred fold, make an army unnecessary, and a staff an even greater pest than at present. This gun will make war a game aux petits pois; curates will play it; girls’ schools will take to it instead of hand-ball. Make more men my children, Frampton’s new muzzles’ll want meat.”

He was filled with such joy by the new idea, that he ceased to think of Margaret, nor of the fact, that his things were coming in to the new home the next day. Presently, he remembered both these matters and drove home to telephone to Margaret and to talk to his housekeeper, Mrs. Haulover.

Mrs. Haulover was a lady of some distinction. She was the widow of an old etcher and art-critic, with whom Frampton had had some acquaintance that had almost been friendship. She was younger than Haulover by ten years, and was now perhaps sixty-five. She had at one time been a good copyist at the National Gallery, and still modelled figurines with talent. She had been left penniless by Haulover. Frampton had put her in charge of his establishments after explaining his ideas, and for nearly six years she had managed for him. What she thought of him, she never said; but sometimes she compressed her lips. On the one hand, she loved loyalty; and Frampton was loyal to old Haulover and had organised and made successful the memorial exhibition of old Haulover’s prints. She made that excuse much. Frampton’s ideas of servants revolted her; but she had learned from old Haulover, that a genius has his own ways and may sometimes make those ways extremely effective in his own way by his own personality. Frampton chose his servants himself, and explained his methods to Mrs. Haulover, at one of their first interviews.

“I see their testimonials first, and they have to be good and written in a hand that shows character. I go to see the writers, if I feel that the person’s testimony is any good at all. Then I see the applicant, and make up my mind about her. She has to be a good animal, first of all; she has to be strong and look cheerful and intelligent, but she has to be a good animal first; somebody you wouldn’t mind breeding from. I won’t have one of these flimsy minowderers, with a powdered nose and a mouth like a film girl. Then I ask her to write her name, and then I ask her if she can draw or has ever read a book. None of them yet has been able to draw, and only two of them had read a book; a real book, that is. Then, of course, she has to be clean and look distinguished; I’ll not have one of these damned minowderers all cut after a pattern. Then I ask her what wages she wants, and tell her I’ll give her from half to twice as much, if she will put her guts into it. I make it clear she won’t get any damned nonsense from me and she’d better not try any of hers. I tell her, she’ll have a wireless set, and a library subscription; that I expect her to go at my expense to a picture show or a concert or a theatre once a week. I contrive to send two of ’em together. And I make ’em talk of it to me next morning. They’ve got to do their job on the ticker, without any shinnannikin. I pay them myself, every Friday morning, and give them a talk each time on world affairs and expect them to talk to me. I don’t get any rotters. I cut them out at the first interview; I get a good lot of workers, who stay a long time, and only leave to get married. It isn’t my idea at all. It’s my old father’s idea. He’s the wisest man I’ve ever met; and it was his system from the first. He wanted to get a servant who would really share a lot of the best that life has with him. It is expensive, perhaps, in that you pay more than the market rate; but you get something that isn’t to be had in the market, and never will be. Anyhow, that’s my way, and it’s going to be it.”

That was that. It wasn’t Mrs. Haulover’s way, but as Frampton had the knack of making it work, she said no more, but helped him to apply it. She had the job of moving into Mullples, and wondered, as she moved in, how long the maids and men would be able to stand the quiet of the valley. Frampton had been kind to the maids in his very rough way. He had seen, that they understood the kind of life he was taking them to. They had all seen the new house and had a look at the neighbouring towns of Stubbington and Tatchester. He would not tempt them into a place they might loathe. He told them, that if they liked they could go to take lessons in country things, such as pruning and dairy work, before going down.

Mrs. Haulover was moved in by the night of the nineteenth, and telephoned through to Frampton that the house was ready for him to see, if he would care to come in to see it, the next day, with Miss Holtspur.