They were forced to begin walking, another step every few moments — much slower now, so slow the pathos stung through to her heart.
‘You have given up on your chain?’ Draconus asked, as if the manner in which he had brought her out here was of no import, easily dismissed now.
She decided, after a moment, that he was right. At the very least, there’d been some. . drama. ‘Another few centuries,’ she said, shrugging, ‘which I do not have. Damn you, Draconus, there is nothing to see out here — let me go back-’
‘I need to know,’ he cut in, ‘when the time comes to fight, Apsal’ara — will you come to my side?’
She studied him. A well-featured man, beneath that thick, black beard. Eyes that had known malice long since stretched to snapping, leaving behind a strange bemusement, something almost regretful, almost. .
His heavy brows lifted, as if the question surprised him. ‘I have seen many,’ he said, haltingly, ‘in my time. So many, appearing suddenly, screaming in horror, in anguish and despair. Others. . already numbed, hopeless. Madness arrives to so many, Apsal’ara. . ’
She bared her teeth. Yes, she had heard them. Above the places where she hid. Out to the sides, beyond the incessant rains, where the chains rolled and roped, fell slack then lifted once more, where they crossed over, one wending ever farther to one side, cutting across chain after chain — as the creature at the end staggered blind, unknowing, and before too long would fall and not rise again. The rest would simply step over that motionless chain, until it stretched into the wagon’s wake and began dragging its charge.
‘Apsal’ara, you arrived spitting like a cat. But it wasn’t long before you set out to find a means of escape. And you would not rest.’ He paused, and wiped a hand across his face. ‘There are so few here I have come to. . admire.’ The smile Dra shy;conus then offered her was defenceless, shocking. ‘If we must fall, then I would choose the ones at my side — yes, I am selfish to the last. And I am sorry for dragging you out here so unceremoniously.’
She walked alongside him, saying nothing. Thinking. At last, she sighed. ‘It is said that only one’s will can fight against chaos, that no other weapons are possible.’
‘So it is said.’
She shot him a look. ‘You know me, Draconus. You know. . I have strength. Of will.’
‘You will fight long,’ he agreed, nodding. ‘So very long.’
‘The chaos will want my soul. Will seek to tear it apart, strip away my awareness. It will rage all around me.’
‘Yes,’ he said.
‘Some of us are stronger than others.’
‘Yes, Apsal’ara. Some of us are stronger than others.’
‘And these you would gather close about you, that we might form a core. Of resistance, of stubborn will.’
‘So I have thought.’
‘To win through to the other side? Is there an
‘I don’t know.’
‘You don’t know,’ she repeated, making the words a snarl. ‘All my life,’ she said, ‘I have chosen to be alone. In my struggles, in my victories and my failings. Draconus, I will face oblivion in the same way. I must — we
‘I understand. I am sorry, then, Apsal’ara, for all this.’
‘There is no
‘No, probably not.’
She drew up more of her chain, settled its crushing weight on to her shoulders, and then pulled away from the man, back towards the wagon. No, she could not give him anything, not when hope itself was impossible. He was wrong to admire her. To struggle was her own madness, resisting something that could not be resisted, fighting what could not be defeated.
This foe would take her mind, her self, tearing it away piece by piece — and she might sense something of those losses, at least to begin with, like vast blanks in her memory, perhaps, or an array of simple questions she could no longer answer. But before long, such knowledge would itself vanish, and each floating fragment would swirl about, untethered, alone, unaware that it had once been part of something greater, something whole. Her life, all her awareness, scattered into frightened orphans, whimpering at every strange sound, every unseen tug from the surrounding darkness. From woman to child, to helpless babe.
She knew what was coming. She knew, too, that in the end there was a kind of mercy to that blind ignorance, to the innocence of pieces. Unknowing, the orhpans would dissolve away, leaving nothing.
What mind could not fear such a fate?
‘Draconus,’ she whispered, although she was far from his side now, closing in on the wagon once more, ‘there is no other side of chaos. Look at us. Each chained. Together, and yet alone. See us pass the time as we will, until the end. You made this sword, but the sword is only a shape given to something far beyond you, far beyond any single creature, any single
She slipped into the gloom behind the lead wheel. Into the thick, slimy rain.
