‘All right, Jan. Let’s get back to the subject at hand. Why are you refusing? As a superior officer, ‘I’m entitled to an explanation.’
Memling walked off a bit, then turned and came back. ‘Damn it all, what more do you want from me? If you want to know so badly, I’ll tell you! I won’t go because I’ve bloody well lost my nerve. The idea of going anywhere near a German gives me the shakes. ‘I’m scared to death, damn it!’ Memling was on the verge of tears as he stared at Simon-Benet.
So that’s it, the brigadier thought. My God, and he hid it so well. No wonder… and he began to laugh.
Memling blinked in astonishment. ‘You think cowardice is funny?’ he demanded in outrage.
Simon-Benet had to lean against a rock for support, and it was a few moments before he could bring himself under control. ‘No, Jan,’ he finally managed. ‘I don’t. I don’t at all. And I am sure I do not know whatever gave you the idea that you were a coward. Good God in heaven, you have to be one of the bravest men I’ve ever met. If I could, I’d recommend you for the Victoria Cross.’ He paused to examine Memling’s anguished face.
‘Everything makes more sense now. Janet suggested that you had been having… ah… certain difficulties, and she felt that was why you — ‘
‘Jesus Christ, isn’t anything considered private any more? What right do you — ‘
‘Major!’ the brigadier’s voice cracked like a whip. ‘Shut your mouth. You are speaking to a superior officer, or have you forgotten?’ He glared the younger man into silence, then waited a moment more.
‘It might interest you to know that I am a physician and a psychologist. I held a professorship in medicine at London University Hospital before the war. So, I know what I am talking about when I ask you, by what possible conceit do you conclude that your problems are unique? Perhaps if you had discussed them with your doctor while in hospital you would have discovered they are not confined exclusively to you.
‘Of course you are scared and your nerves are shot. They should be after what you’ve been through. That does not mean that you are a coward. What it does mean is that you have a healthy respect for danger and your body will not allow your brain to overrule common sense. Fear is simply a warning of danger. Nothing more. If those damned fools at Combined Operations had listened years ago, we would be teaching courses in how to deal with fear, and as a consequence we would have far fewer officers and men institutionalised because of so-called battle fatigue. The lessons of the First World War were clear enough. Unless men are taught to respect and use fear as a self-protective device, they will….’ Realising that he was beginning to lecture, the brigadier broke off.
‘Look here, Jan. When in danger, any sane person is frightened. Often that fright persists after the danger has passed. Body and mind together must deal with the effects of fear, and to do so, a great deal of energy is expended, generally in situations that are stressful. Over time this is very debilitating and causes, a form of exhaustion, both physical and mental, and certainly nothing to be ashamed of. Better to be ashamed of yawning, which is a natural response to an excess of carbon dioxide. Instead such reactions should be cultivated and trained as warning systems and used to increase strength and response levels to a high degree. The Vikings recognised, and trained their warriors in, the phenomenon we know today as a berserk rage. A Viking could turn it on and off at will. Its basis was fear, but fear channelled into a useful course. If you were a coward, as you suppose, nothing could have dragged you into the Royal Marines. Do you understand what I am saying, Jan?’
When Memling nodded, the brigadier sighed. ‘All right, then, to the next item, your so-called impotency, as I am certain that is what Janet was so delicately alluding to. She felt your trouble was exhaustion, and in that she was entirely correct, but I assume her response was to be embarrassed for you, and you in turn felt that you had failed. Correct?’
When Memling nodded angrily, he rolled his eyes skyward.
‘The ignorance of this supposedly enlightened generation as regards sex, a perfectly natural function of the human body, is at times beyond belief. Your impotency was originally due to exhaustion brought on by the stress of a lengthy sojourn in a fear-producing situation. If it continues at all now, it is because you have convinced yourself that there is something quite wrong with you, namely, this ridiculous idea of cowardice.’
Memling shook his head. ‘You’re wrong there, Brigadier. Damned wrong. Not everything that happened in Germany was in my report.’ Memling described Francine’s insistence that they live as husband and wife. ‘I don’t know why I went along,’ he admitted, his face flaming. ‘I was a married man… it was just that Janet and I had been having trouble before I left, and she was there and, well, I had no trouble with her, Brigadier. Absolutely none. So you see …’
