My tongue is my enemy. More visitors: G, V and O – preparatory conversation about initiation of new brother. Duty of tyler laid upon me. Feel feeble and unworthy. Then talk of the full meaning of the seven pillars and steps of the Temple, the seven sciences, the seven virtues, the seven vices, the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit. Brother O was very eloquent. Initiation this evening. Newly decorated building added much to the splendour of the occasion. Boris Drubetskoy was admitted. I nominated him and acted as tyler. A strange feeling worried me all the time I was with him in the dark temple. I found myself hating him – am trying to control this feeling, without success. Which is why I would dearly like to save him from evil and lead him into the way of truth, but I couldn’t get evil thoughts about him out of my own mind. It occurred to me that his only reason for joining the brotherhood was to make new contacts and curry favour with men in our lodge. He kept asking whether N or S were members of our lodge (which I couldn’t answer) and he seems to me incapable of feeling any reverence for our holy order, because he is too preoccupied, and satisfied, with his own exterior to bother much about improving his spiritual being. Apart from all this I had no grounds for doubting him, though I did think he lacked sincerity and all the time we stood face to face in the dark temple I got the impression he was smiling and sneering at my words, and what I wanted to do was really stab him in his bare chest with the sword I was pointing at it. I wasn’t at all fluent and I couldn’t communicate my doubts as I should have done to the brothers and the Grand Master. O Great Architect of All Creation, help me find the true path that leads out of this maze of falsehood!
The next three pages of the diary were left blank, then it went on as follows:
Had a long and instructive private conversation with Brother V – he advised me to cleave to Brother A. Much was revealed to me, unworthy as I am. Adonai is the name of the Great Creator. Elohim is the name of the Ruler of All. The third name is the name unutterable, but its meaning is the
Woke late, read the Scriptures, no feeling for it. Then went down and walked up and down in the big hall. Tried to meditate, but instead of that my imagination kept coming back to an incident that occurred four years ago. When Dolokhov met me after the duel in Moscow he said he hoped I was easy in my mind now, even though my wife had gone. At the time I didn’t respond. Now I could remember every last detail of that meeting, and I replied to him mentally in the most vindictive and vitriolic words I could find. I pulled myself together and got rid of that idea, but only after I had caught myself livid with anger, and my remorse was inadequate. Then Boris Drubetskoy called with all sorts of stories to tell. The moment he arrived I felt unhappy about his visit and said something awful to him. He said something back. I lost my temper and gave him a terrible mouthful – some of it was very crude. He said nothing, and I came to my senses – but it was too late. My God, I just can’t stand the man! But it’s my vanity that causes all the trouble. I think I’m better than him, which makes me a lot worse, because he can condone my rudeness but I go on sneering at him. God grant that in his presence I may see my own vileness more clearly and act in such a way that even he may profit by it. Had a nap this afternoon, and as I was nodding off I distinctly heard a voice saying in my left ear, ‘This is thy day.’
