Hoping a light snack, those requisite refereshments to be served following, Ben pulls up a chair, gives attention as the mensch, he spits on…on Day One, flicks a slip of imaginary lint from his laminated red powertie, put yourself first! Follow my easy to follow assembly instructions to first identify your Four Beasts then, for the rest of the week, pour your determination out upon the desolate — and nu, take back control of your life!
Amen, they scream spittle to fleck the walls, stain apparitions, visualization techniques…shoes and socks and their crumpled creaseless, and pleatless, foldeddown waistband pants to the elasticized knee as bald as their heads to be soaked in saliva pooled on the floor, before we’re all done here.
Day One, 1st Step: as I’ve said, you must identify your four beasts — do you want an example?
Do we want an example? they answer and mean it.
My first beast is—
My second beast is—
My third beast is—
My fourth beast is—
2nd Step up up up the ladder: you’ve got to rank them, first for the least problematic, fourth for the most, hymn…murmuring, this might be too tough for this crowd and so again he asks, do you want an example?
Do we want an example? they answer.
But do you really, truly want an example?
Do we really, truly want an example?
Nu. For example, sayseth the suit…you — and he points prophet his manicure into the fleshmess, as if desperate accusation he asks, what’s your name, friend? Fat mensch in the rear. You, yes you to the right. Your other right. Sorry, didn’t know you were one person. God, you’ve just got to have problems…
Me, He says, hymn, my name’s, uh, er…J-Jacobson.
Take your time, Mister Jacobson…a stutterer, too, slow of speech, a Moses-on-the-make — haven’t I met you before. No? Don’t be so nervous. Where are you from and what is it that you do wherever that is, Mister Jacobson?
I’m from, hymn, a little town called Weissnichtwo, that’ll do, outside Weequahic, back east — and I’m, I’m a successful…
Aren’t we all? And that’s why we’re here.
An attorney, junior partner in a stable, very profitable firm — but I want to have my own practice one day.
I’m sure you will, Mister Jacobson…everyone, say Shalom to Mister Jacobson, and all of them say Shalom to Mister Jacobson. Nu. Mister Jacobson, you’re up, you’re on, your turn — now, your First Beast is…?
My first beast is probably my…um, er, my boss, Goldenberg, he’s founding partner, real senior.
Goldenberg, the mensch frowns, typical, and then your Second Beast, Mister Jacobson?
My second beast has to be my mother-inlaw — yes, that they’d buy…my third beast is my accountant at tax time, and for my fourth I’m going to have to go with an intangible — say, my inability to form lasting relationships.
We’ve all been there before, Mister Jacobson, and the mensch smiles to twinkling glint, trust me, chching. Let’s not underestimate ourselves, chaverim…Mister Jacobson’s beasts are every bit as terrifying as those of Daniel’s dream:
And so, Mister Jacobson, the 3rd Step, dying to know what that is?
We’re dying, they say, we’re so dying.
Nu, for the remaining five days of the week, deal with one beast a day, in order from first through the fourth — bad to worse, if you will.
On the Second Day, after highlighting your recent work achievements, and I’m sure you have at least one, respectfully ask your boss for a raise, plus an additional week’s paid vacation.
On the Third Day, plan to go into work late if it all, having had brunch after sex in the morning…relations with your wife, I mean, buy her flowers, a shtickel candy, balloons and a card, calmly and coolly outline your reasons for not wanting to take her mother, your mother-inlaw, on your vacation, which, as a direct result of my method, will have been extended by a week that you both can afford.
On the Fourth Day, Mister Jacobson — nu, that was His name — make the decision to switch accountants, and you’ll find one, through the recommendation of a coworker, I’m sure, or try your accountant’s accountant, who’ll subsequently save you a swindle; remember — feel free to deduct the tuition you’re paying today.
On the Fifth Day, Mister Jacobson, make sure to thank your coworker for his recommendation, and you’ll be asked to engage with him in a multitude of racquet sports, followed by a shvitz, let’s say, with him and his friends who’ll soon be your friends, too, perhaps due to the newfound confidence you’ll surely exude.
