11/22/63 полностью

I started to get angry then. Mostly at myself… but not entirely at myself. I was walking a goddam tightrope, and she was shouting at me over a Rolling Stones tune.

“Chill, Sadie. It’s just a song. I don’t know where I heard it.”

“That’s a lie, and we both know it.”

“You’re freaking out. I think maybe I better take my groceries and head home.” I tried to keep my voice calm. The sound of it was very familiar. It was the way I’d always tried to speak to Christy when she came home with a snootful. Skirt on crooked, blouse half-untucked, hair all crazy. Not to mention the smeared lipstick. From the rim of a glass, or from some fellow barfly’s lips?

Just thinking about it made me angrier. Wrong again, I thought. I didn’t know if I meant Sadie or Christy or me, and at that moment I didn’t care. We never get so mad as when we get caught, do we?

“I think maybe you better tell me where you heard that song, if you ever want to come back here. And where you heard what you said to the kid at the checkout when he said he’d double-bag your chicken so it wouldn’t leak.”

“I don’t have any idea what—”

“‘Excellent, dude,’ that’s what you said. I think maybe you better tell me where you heard that. And kick out the jams. And boogie shoes. And shake your bootie. Chill and freaking out, I want to know where you heard those, too. Why you say them and no one else does. I want to know why you were so scared of that stupid Jimla chant that you talked about it in your sleep. I want to know where Derry is and why it’s like Dallas. I want to know when you were married, and to who, and for how long. I want to know where you were before you were in Florida, because Ellie Dockerty says she doesn’t know, that some of your references are fake. ‘Appear to be fanciful’ is how she put it.”

I was sure Ellen hadn’t found out from Deke… but she had found out. I actually wasn’t too surprised, but I was infuriated that she had blabbed to Sadie. “She had no right to tell you that!”

She smashed out her cigarette, then shook her hand as bits of live coal jumped up and stung it. “Sometimes it’s like you’re from… I don’t know… some other universe! One where they sing about screwing drunk women from M-Memphis! I tried to-to tell myself all that doesn’t matter, that l-l-love conquers all, except it doesn’t. It doesn’t conquer lies.” Her voice wavered, but she didn’t cry. And her eyes stayed fixed on mine. If there had only been anger in them, it would have been a little easier. But there was pleading, too.

“Sadie, if you’d only—”

“I won’t. Not anymore. So don’t start up with the stuff about how you’re not doing anything you’re ashamed of and I wouldn’t be, either. Those are things I need to decide for myself. It comes down to this: either the broom goes, or you’ll have to.”

“If you knew, you wouldn’t—”

“Then tell me!”

“I can’t.” The anger popped like a pricked balloon, leaving an emotional dullness behind. I dropped my eyes from her set face, and they happened to fall on her desk. What I saw there stopped my breath.

It was a little pile of job applications for her time in Reno this coming summer. The top one was from Harrah’s Hotel and Casino. On the first line she had printed her name in neat block letters. Her full name, including the middle one I’d never thought to ask her about.

I reached down, very slowly, and put my thumbs over her first name and the second syllable of her last name. What that left was DORIS DUN.

I remembered the day I had spoken to Frank Dunning’s wife, pretending to be a real estate speculator with an interest in the West Side Rec. She’d been twenty years older than Sadie Doris Clayton, née Dunhill, but both women had blue eyes, exquisite skin, and fine, full-breasted figures. Both women were smokers. All of it could have been coincidental, but it wasn’t. And I knew it.

“What are you doing?” The accusatory tone meant the real question was Why do you keep dodging and evading, but I was no longer angry. Not even close.

“Are you sure he doesn’t know where you are?” I asked.

“Who? Johnny? Do you mean Johnny? Why…” That was when she decided it was useless. I saw it in her face. “George, you need to leave.”

“But he could find out,” I said. “Because your parents know, and your parents thought he was just the bees’ knees, you said so yourself.”

I took a step toward her. She took a step back. The way you’d step back from a person who’s revealed himself to be of unsound mind. I saw the fear in her eyes, and the lack of comprehension, and still I couldn’t stop. Remember that I was scared myself.

“Even if you told them not to say, he’d get it out of them. Because he’s charming. Isn’t he, Sadie? When he’s not compulsively washing his hands, or alphabetizing his books, or talking about how disgusting it is to get an erection, he’s very, very charming. He certainly charmed you.”

“Please go away, George.” Her voice was trembling.