I pulled away. At the time I had very little experience of the ballet fraternity, but some instinct warned me. I believe the guard and steward must have guessed Seryozha’s intentions and had done what they could to thwart him. People today think that Seryozha’s is a modern aberration. It has always been with us. Virtually everything characteristic of the present day - every vice, political theory, tyranny, argument, art-form had its origin in the Russia of my own time. The degenerates of St Petersburg set the tone, one could say, for the entire century.
I dined with Seryozha because I had agreed I should, but I drank sparingly, almost calculatingly. When we came to retire he let me undress in the little wash-room. I put on my nightshirt and climbed into bed. He disappeared into the wash-room. I heard normal sounds of ablutions. Then he came out.
He was quite naked. This was not unusual amongst men in those days, who always bathed together nude. What alarmed me was the size of his penis swinging a few inches from my face as he seemed to have trouble climbing into his bunk. The train had begun to move a little faster, but this was not why he found himself floundering over me, his warm, stiff private parts striking my neck and shoulder. He made a great show of apologising. I, of course, in my confusion, told him I did not mind. He sat on the edge of my bunk as if to recover, steadying himself with a hand on my arm. ‘Oh, Dimka. What a shock! Are you feeling all right?’
I said I was fine.
His hand stroked my arm. ‘I’m so sorry. The last thing in the world I wanted to do was startle you.’
‘I am not startled,’ I said.
‘But you are upset, I can tell.’
‘Not in the least.”
‘You have become so formal.’ There were tears in his eyes.
‘You have no cause to apologise.’
‘Ah, but I have. I am a monster. You know the kind I am?’
‘It is a perfectly honourable profession. Russians have always been great dancers.’
This seemed to upset him. With a grunt he lifted his great body upright and climbed slowly into his bed. Shortly afterwards I heard more noises and judged he had begun to masturbate. Feeling some stirring in my own loins at his I began privately to indulge myself, also.
I fell asleep.
I awoke with a sensation of extreme discomfort. The lights were out. There was a peculiar silence everywhere in the train. It had grown colder. I was wedged tightly against the wall of the carriage and realised that my companion was lying on my bunk. As I tried to move my arm, which had pins and needles, his thick, almost sluggish voice spoke from the darkness. I could feel stale breath on my face. ‘You seemed cold. I thought I’d warm you.’
‘There’s not enough room for two in here.’
‘You’ll freeze.’ He placed a hand upon my arm. He was sweating. I wondered if the drink and cocaine had caused a form of delirium.
‘I’m extremely uncomfortable,’ I pointed out.
‘I can cuddle you.’
‘Thank you, Sergei Andreyovitch. I would rather not be cuddled.’
‘It’s my duty.’
‘It is not. Why is the compartment so cold?’
‘The train is stuck. The heating has gone wrong. We have stopped in a drift.’
I struggled up. He tried to hold me down.
‘I appreciate your concern, Sergei Andreyovitch, but really I am in some pain.’
‘I love you,’ he said.
‘What?’
‘You know that you love me.’
‘All men are brothers, Sergei Andreyovitch. But we are almost complete strangers.’ I began to crawl over his body. My hands touched the carpet. I felt his hand on my back. It began to caress my bottom.
‘You are beautiful,’ he said.
‘I’ll call the steward,’ I suggested. I stood up and reached for the gas. I lit it. ‘Some black coffee will make a new man of you.’
‘What do you know of men?’ The light illuminated his heavy, sulking features. He glared at me from beneath hooded eyes. ‘Why do you play such games? Go on, call the steward. Have me put in prison.’
‘Prison?’ I was mystified. ‘What for?’ He could not go to prison for trying to keep me warm in bed. I had an inkling he wished to make love to me, of course, but I was not experienced enough to be sure.
He looked at me with lugubrious gratitude. ‘Thank you, at least, for that.’
I had learned tact in Odessa, so I did not push the point. However, I wished to escape the oppressive atmosphere, so I donned my dressing-gown and slippers and opened the door.
He gasped. ‘What are you going to do?’
‘Stretch my legs,’ I said. ‘Get fresh air. I suggest you resume your own bed, Seryozha.’
‘Thank you.’
As I left he was beginning to climb unsteadily back to his bunk.
Walking along the corridor and looking out at the grey banks of snow through the frost on the windows, I felt at once confused and elated. I appeared to have put Sergei Andreyovitch in my debt. I did not know quite how, but I was prepared to exploit the situation if the opportunity arose. I had no security. I would have to fend for myself in St Petersburg and the more well-connected friends I could make, the better it would be for me.
