‘Among the most distressing conditions of life for a jealous man (and everyone is jealous in our world) are certain society conventions which allow a man and woman the greatest and most dangerous proximity. You would become a laughing-stock to others if you tried to prevent such nearness at balls, or the nearness of doctors to their women-patients, or of people occupied with art, sculpture, and especially music. A couple are occupied with the noblest of arts, music; this demands a certain nearness, and there is nothing reprehensible in that and only a stupid jealous husband can see anything undesirable in it.69 Yet everybody knows that it is by means of those very pursuits, especially of music, that the greater part of the adulteries in our society occur. I evidently confused them by the confusion I betrayed: for a long time I could not speak. I was like a bottle held upside down from which the water does not flow because it is too full. I wanted to abuse him and to turn him out, but again felt that I must treat him courteously and amiably. And I did so. I acted as though I approved of it all, and again because of the strange feeling which made me behave to him the more amiably the more his presence distressed me. I told him that I trusted his taste and advised her to do the same. He stayed as long as was necessary to efface the unpleasant impression caused by my sudden entrance – looking frightened and remaining silent – and then left, pretending that it was now decided what to play next day. I was however fully convinced that compared to what interested them the question of what to play was quite indifferent.
‘I saw him out to the ante-room with special politeness. (How could one do less than accompany a man who had come to disturb the peace and destroy the happiness of a whole family?) And I pressed his soft white hand with particular warmth.
XXII
‘I DID not speak to her all that day – I could not. Nearness to her aroused in me such hatred of her that I was afraid of myself. At dinner in the presence of the children she asked me when I was going away. I had to go next week to the District Meetings of the Zémstvo. I told her the date. She asked whether I did not want anything for the journey. I did not answer but sat silent at table and then went in silence to my study. Latterly she used never to come to my room, especially not at that time of day. I lay in my study filled with anger. Suddenly I heard her familiar step, and the terrible, monstrous idea entered my head that she, like Uriah’s wife, wished to conceal the sin she had already committed and that that was why she was coming to me at such an unusual time. “Can she be coming to me?” thought I, listening to her approaching footsteps. “If she is coming here, then I am right,” and an inexpressible hatred of her took possession of me. Nearer and nearer came the steps. Is it possible that she won’t pass on to the dancing-room? No, the door creaks and in the doorway appears her tall70 handsome figure, on her face and in her eyes a timid ingratiating look which she tries to hide, but which I see and the meaning of which I know. I almost choked, so long did I hold my breath, and still looking at her I grasped my cigarette-case and began to smoke.
‘ “Now how can you? One comes to sit with you for a bit, and you begin smoking” – and she sat down close to me on the sofa, leaning against me. I moved away so as not to touch her.
‘ “I see you are dissatisfied at my wanting to play on Sunday,” she said.
‘ “I am not at all dissatisfied,” I said.
‘ “As if I don’t see!”
‘ “Well, I congratulate you on seeing. But I only see that you behave like a coquette.… You always find pleasure in all kinds of vileness, but to me it is terrible!”
‘ “Oh, well, if you are going to scold like a cabman I’ll go away.”
‘ “Do, but remember that if you don’t value the family honour, I value not you (devil take you) but the honour of the family!”
‘ “But what is the matter? What?”
‘ “Go away, for God’s sake be off!”
‘Whether she pretended not to understand what it was about or really did not understand, at any rate she took offence, grew angry, and did not go away but stood in the middle of the room.
‘ “You have really become impossible,” she began.71 “You have a character that even an angel could not put up with.” And as usual trying to sting me as painfully as possible, she reminded me of my conduct to my sister (an incident when, being exasperated, I said rude things to my sister); she knew I was distressed about it and she stung me just on that spot. “After that, nothing from you will surprise me,” she said.
‘ “Yes! Insult me, humiliate me, disgrace me, and then put the blame on me,” I said to myself, and suddenly I was seized by such terrible rage as I had never before experienced.
