One month ago I returned from work with the Northerners after 2 years away. The first person I met, Van, held me tightly in her arms and cried… Van, the honest girl who loves me like one of her family. How I treasure her. Tonight I was on my way again. I walked along a road filled with thorns and “tiger tongues” but my mind is filled with thought. Day by day for the dead on our side the way is crueler. Just a few days ago I was almost killed or captured, being only about 20 meters from them (the enemy) when our group started to run. By good fortune none of the cadres or wounded soldiers was hurt, but I did lose my bag leaving me only a radio and the special equipment that I usually carry. One night we slept in the forest and took one day to cross the mountain to arrive at Pho Khanh. There we stayed in the friendship of the brothers Bon, Truu, Hon, Long, Ba, Duc, etc. and their family. They all took good care of me and I met Hoan, Tong and Xu… all nice and warm hearted cadres.
This afternoon I left again and all my good friends kept with me for a long ways. When will I return here to sit with the hard wind blowing at the ferry crossing on the An Khe Canal?* Good-bye lovely Pho Khanh, good-bye Van: I hope to see you again.
January 1, 1970. One year older, so 30 years old is not that far away any more. In a few more years I will become an old and serious cadre: thinking that way makes me a little sad. My youth is over: fire, smoke, and war have robbed my youth of the happiness of love. Who doesn’t love spring, who doesn’t want brightness in their eyes when they are 20 years old? But… the 20-year-olds of this generation have given away the dreams and happiness which they should have had. Their dreams now are of ways to defeat the American Pirates and for independence and freedom for the country. From these dreams they will come to own what they will have. I am the same as the young men leaving for the front lines of war who go through the explosive sounds of bombs and fire. My youth is soaked with sweat, tears, blood and the bones of those living and those already dead. My youth has become strong from the challenges and hardships of the battlefield: my youth has also burned hot from the flames of hatred night and day. Also there remains the green of the colorful dreams of youth and the love which shines from the eyes which look at me: the eyes black from lack of sleep which always come to me happy and alive, eyes also shining with deep emotion under long eyebrows, and the naughty eyes of a girlfriend who seems to understand everything and who gives me all her trust. Thuy, my dear, is that a happiness which only Thuan can enjoy? Stay happy and keep in your heart all the dreams, letting the green color of youth stay always bright in your smiling eyes, okay?
January 2, 1970. I am an adult but why am I still like a small girl student who is angry and turns away when they still have many things to say? I am still the little Thuy spoiled by love. The love of all the people lulls me into the dreams of youth. When will I stop expecting life to spoil me? When will I learn patience like the kind mother, or the good wife who withstands all hardships to bring happiness to her family? I cannot do this: I can take the hardships of the material world and be generous to the people I love, but in spiritual matters I think of myself first.
January 3, 1970. On the same road where he said good-bye when he went with me close to the mountain, he still keeps his deep and warm feelings for me, but can still only utter a few of his thoughts when he again said good-bye.
The sky is so dark and it’s raining hard: I’m walking at night in the rain and constantly get lost, not remembering the road. I don’t blame you, but I do pity myself. I know that you are at the meeting and that your thoughts follow my trembling steps on this muddy road. I know that you cannot give attention to the sounds of gunfire in the direction I travel, but how sad it seems! Dear, why can’t we walk together like we did in those days? No matter what happens please keep your eyes bright like precious jade: don’t let there be any dirt in them. Please stay courageous in the face of any hardship; remain calm and clear whatever happens, determined to protect our pure secret emotions until life’s end.
