Life is so complicated and why am I such a small girl with a warm heart filled with emotion? Why? Because since I was little I have just been that way. Listening to Hanh’s idea I felt very sad: there are still those who only live with narrow eyes… they cannot have pure and true emotions like other people. With them there are only material values: they only have a body! My God how terrible that is… so stingy!
Are your words right? “Our affections always remain no matter that time or things change”. That means we will live correctly and will step clear of all the obstacles in our way. I will do the same as you do: I will do exactly as I promised you.
April 9, 1970. I had a strange dream of the days through which I have lived in both the North and South. I saw a special class with all the people in white blouses working beside me with all the microscopes before them. There was a beautiful building given to the members to meet in: I went there as I usually go to all the houses I frequent and there I met him with his clothes so neat, still a person who cares for me with every small action, and with him his sad-faced sister still in a simple dress. Oh God is that what tomorrow will bring? Tomorrow when peace returns will I return to the old school like before, with all the people bound to me on the battlefield able to enjoy the happy and peaceful scenes with me?
April 10, 1970. Only part of the dream is coming true. It seems that I am not happy when the things I hope for come to pass. Why? I will have to find out.
April 22, 1970. For a long time I hadn’t re-read the lovely words of his letter, one filled with sadness because he thought I had stopped caring for him. Truthfully, I always keep his image in my heart, but as I told him: love can be bright and shining, but at times is very calm and quiet because we shouldn’t and cannot always show everything. Do you understand that?
April 27, 1970. Thuong was captured!* Oh! The only son of an old mother for whom she worked hard all her life, all her dreams and hopes bound up in him alone, now this dear young man grown up in the Revolution is held in the bloody hands of the enemy.
I think about one of the last nights that I met him… with a moon so gloomy that only his sad face could be seen. He held my hand and said: “Maybe after this time I will not see you again”. I yelled at him: “Why do you talk like that?” But in a low voice he answered: “No, it is not crazy. To work for the Revolution and to sacrifice yourself is natural. I am already lucky to have survived for 10 years. My luck won’t continue like that”.
Oh, why did he foresee that? So that my heart would bleed when I heard that he was captured? Is that all? Will I never see this kind, simple, and nice young man from Pho Hiep again? Sadness and sorrow cannot be shown with tears now: only with the thought of revenge, by the grinding of teeth and by the raising of your head to continue traveling despite the hardships of the road.
April 28, 1970. I should be happy now with all the Southerners I love being near to me. It is hard when we are all together… but happiness is only like a summer wind at noontime shining and burning, not enough for these people in the summer’s heat, people on their way leaving me with two young men. I can’t sleep with an aching heart. Oh, the war continues, and there are still losses and sorrows!
April 29, 1970. What can I tell this young friend after listening to him? I cannot stop crying. If he dies then there will be no-one to continue his family. Thinking of that he wants to get married, but dear young man your love and happiness will have so many hardships waiting. Because I care for him I would like for him to have more of a guarantee of happiness, and because I care I don’t want him to be confused by the question: “Should I follow other people’s thoughts or my own?”
Holding his hand I want to put all my affections and belief in his grasp, but I am not sure how to use my emotions in the best way.
May 3. 1970. The military situation at Pho Cuong has become very dangerous again. I had just left when the tanks arrived, with enemy troops dropping from helicopters right at the place where I have been living. Thuy, Lien, Thuong, and Loi were all captured. I don’t know what has happened to the young man.
Worry makes it hard to breathe and my body feels tired all over. Oh! If there was any way I could protect you, I would do everything even if it meant paying a great price. Kim arrived: I looked into her tear filled eyes and understood her heart. Dear Kim, you are not perfect but I love you because you love my young friend so deeply. Just like me you also worry until your heart burns but we can’t do anything except follow closely the steps of the enemy across our homeland, steps which threaten the people we love. We have no other choice!
