May 22, 1970. I returned to attend the group meeting, and while living with the young people I felt very happy. The situation with the enemy was very dangerous: they had already sneaked troops in close to where we were but we didn’t know and continued to laugh and to sing, cutting trees and wood and making noise until a civilian came to say that the enemy was near. Only then did we know: that was lucky. If we hadn’t found out helicopters would have already killed us or we would have died by the army’s fire. Even so we remained happy and smiles stayed on those young faces. At night in the crowded house with all the hammocks full of people, the kidding funny words still brought sounds of laughter which we had to suppress and keep in our hearts.
Did something else made me happy? Yes, the love of the people, Phuong, Tong, Han, Ky, Minh….and all the rest of the warm family.
May 24, 1970. You will go far away, but it seems as if you are far from me already so even though I met with you I still felt the same. Far away! Is that because of time, the air, or something else? I have already asked you about that. If you don’t leave before I go home I will only say one word of good-by to you, nothing else. I am mad at you: that day I ran back to report the enemy situation and asked you to give me some idea about the youths’ problems, you blamed Ky saying that he wasn’t lively enough and that the group members were not smart enough. I told Ky to leave, not saying good-bye or anything to anyone. That night you told Cuc* to tell me to come back and sleep, but I never did: you know my pride. All day I wouldn’t return, and even when you were at the meeting I kept quiet. Until today when we almost said our good-byes: if you hadn’t been leaving I wouldn’t have said a thing and would have returned, but the former affection between us won’t allow me to continue that way so I have to write a short letter.
The letter you wrote before the meeting thrilled me that you might understand me also. But why before you left “the first thing I worry about is you” and yet you said nothing? Why when we weren’t together you waited and missed me, but when we met you remained so quiet? Oh! Why are you so close yet so distant at the same time? I understand and don’t understand: (even you must also have questions about this!) So why?
May 25, 1970. Some things that he knows about me:
• My ideas about the Revolution have become stronger, clearer, and righteous.
• I have improved a lot in every way.
• I need to do more scientific research as I retain bourgeois characteristics.
June 2, 1970. There was a surprising but in war-time a very normal incident at the dispensary: many bombs fell right on the patients’ room and 5 persons were killed. In just a minute everything turned to fire and smoke! After the explosions I became very quiet with fear. Perhaps everyone was dead… but then Lanh yelled that “everyone in Mr. Chanh’s room had perished”. We all ran outside and what a miserable sight it was. Part of the forest had been stripped bare with trees fallen all around. Clothing hung in the tree branches and a few houses were collapsed. We dug up Nien and Buoi and by then it was almost dark. Inside, Thanh who had just had his appendix removed yesterday now had a more serious wound and was almost dead. He looked at us all and said: “Please keep fighting and training so you can avenge me. I will soon be dead”.
Oh courageous comrade, your plea brings a promise from all of those still surviving to live on and fight until the end to gain revenge for all the dead!
For most of the night I couldn’t sleep and the next day when it was almost light we had to leave again. “The resistance against the Americans to save the Country continues. The people will continue to be sacrificed until we become victorious at last.”
Dear Uncle Ho… your determination still sounds in my ears and at this time the words come and drown out the sounds of bullets and bombs. I carry them in my heart and leave.
June 4, 1970. Why weren’t we satisfied when our emotions were still clean, pure, fresh and wonderful in our hearts? I met him and all of the young men after the silent moments with you. We should have held each other tightly in our arms, excited and happy, but we only looked at each other and couldn’t say anything! Oh young man that I love and all of the other young men that I respect… why, why can’t we come to each other in a relationship both beautiful and righteous? In the South the Revolution has many heroes, much history, and also many complications and garbage in society. This is easy to understand as we have to fully concentrate on fighting the Americans and saving the country so cannot focus our strength on building a socialist people, the perfect society which knows how to live for the people, how to live a life of culture.
