They dress in silence. Roy starts the car again, and they head for home. Nathan studies the stars through the window. The broken place inside him aches now. Roy will not speak to him because Roy thinks he is nasty. There can be no question of Roy's judgment. Amidst so much turmoil the other memories are hard to contain but Nathan manages well enough, until he remembers his mother's voice from the afternoon, Stay out of your dad's way tonight. A little fear seizes him and he reaches for Roy again, in his mind at least Roy who feels, even now, like protection.
Near the farms again Nathan says, "Roy" Roy shakes his head, refuses to speak. "Roy. Please."
He parks the car in its usual place under the walnut tree. In the protection afforded by the tree shade they watch each other.
Something unexpected. Roy is crying.
From Nathan's house come sounds. A light on the back porch. The screen swings open, and a dark broad shadow waits there.
A silence like winter cools Nathan's gut.
Whether Roy is watching now hardly matters. Whether he understands, or ever will. Nathan says good night and gets out of the car. He heads across the dark yard toward the porch light and the shadow of his father, waiting.
Nathan hurries past the bruising bulk of Dad, who watches him enter but says nothing. Mom is seated at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of her but refuses to meet his eye. She says her tiniest good night, aiming her voice into the cup.
Nathan tries to round the table to climb the stairs. But Dad turns and faces him. His eyes are bloodshot and his puffy cheeks are shadowed with heavy beard. "Hey Nathan."
"Hey Dad."
"You don't want to speak to your dad, do you?" "I said hey."
Dad steps toward him and he retreats, slides past Mom and to the stairs. Dad has frozen in place. Mom is raising the coffee cup.
"Good night," Nathan says.
"Good night," she answers.
"Good night, Dad."
He runs up the stairs. He tries to get his breath.
He says good night to the window across the hedges. He goes to bed with his clothes on in case he has to run. He lies in bed with blankets up to his chin.
He expects trouble falling asleep but dozes at once. He seems to sleep deeply for a long time, then wakes with a start. There is a light in the hallway. It is very late in the night.
From the hall outside the door a voice says, "Nathan." Nathan's heart stops, then pounds. Nausea washes through him. He lies perfectly still with his eyes closed. The shadow of his father falls through the door.
"Did you have a good time when you went out tonight, Nathan?" The sound of something sliding against the wall. The speech is slurred, but still distinct. "I'm talking to you, Nathan. I know you're awake. I saw your eyes come open. Did you have a good time tonight?"
Still silence.
"You better answer me or I'm coming in there." "Yes, sir. I had a good time." Soft. "Your mom was the one who said it was all right for you to go out. It wasn't me. I don't like it." "Yes, sir."
If I close my eyes. If I do not see. Again the sound of sliding. Something against the wall. Closer this time.
"Where did you boys go?" "Swimming. At the river."
"Did you go swimming too?" "No, sir."
"That's right. You don't know how"
A deep breath. The shadow moves. If I close my eyes.
"I'm glad you had a good time." Silence. Softness of air against the window. "Open your eyes. Nathan. Look at your Dad."
"I'm sleepy."
"Open your eyes."
Mom whispers from the stairs. Her voice contains a familiar high pitched edge. Nathan remembers the sound, which he has not heard in this new house. "Harland. Harland. What are you doing up there?"
"I'm talking to Nathan." The sliding stops.
"Come to bed. Leave Nathan alone. He's tired."
"Let me check on Nathan. I'll be back down there in a little while."
"You promised me you wouldn't bother him." The note of hysteria rising.
"I told you it's all right. I'm checking on him to see if he had a good time." In the silence there is his coarseness of breathing, the sour smell of his body. Then retreating. "You shouldn't let him go out like that. He ought to come to church with us."
"He can go with us to church on Sunday. Come on downstairs."
Slowly, the sense of Dad's presence fades. When Nathan opens his eyes the room is empty.
Beneath the blankets he shivers. Moonlight flows through the window. Nathan listens till the house is silent He slips out of bed, creeping across the floor. Till morning he sits at the window, never closing his eyes.
As soon as the sun comes up, he hurries out of the house, stealing bread and a can of macaroni O's from the cupboard. He heads to the Kennicutt graveyard and sits there through the long Saturday, never moving beyond the silent graves.
