Going Postal полностью

‘My word, Mr Spools has done a good job here!’ said Moist, staring at the hundreds of little green pictures of the university’s Tower of Art. ‘It even looks worth a dollar!’

‘Yes, sir. You hardly notice the little man jumping from the top,’ said Stanley.

Moist snatched the sheet from the boy’s hand. ‘What? Where?’

‘You need a magnifying glass, sir. And it’s only on a few of them. In some of them he’s in the water. Mr Spools is very sorry, sir. He says it may be some kind of induced magic. You know, sir? Like, even a picture of a wizards’ tower might be a bit magical itself? There’s a few faults on some of the others, too. The printing went wrong on some of the black penny ones and Lord Vetinari’s got grey hair, sir. Some haven’t got gum on, but they’re all right because some people have asked for them that way’

‘Why?’

‘They say they’re as good as real pennies and a whole lot lighter, sir.’

‘Do you like stamps, Stanley?’ said Moist kindly. He was feeling a lot better in a seat that didn’t go up and down.

Stanley’s face lit up. ‘Oh, yes, sir. Really, sir. They’re wonderful, sir! Amazing, sir!’

Moist raised his eyebrows. ‘As good as that, eh?’

‘It’s like… well, it’s like being there when they invented the first pin, sir!’ Stanley’s face glowed.

‘Really? The first pin, eh?’ said Moist. ‘Outstanding! Well, in that case, Stanley, you are Head of Stamps. The whole department. Which is, in fact, you. How do you like that? I imagine you already know more about them than anyone else.’

‘Oh, I do, sir! For example, on the very first run of the penny stamps they used a different type of—’

‘Good!’ said Moist hurriedly. ‘Well done! Can I keep this first sheet? As a souvenir?’

‘Of course, sir,’ said Stanley. ‘Head of Stamps, sir? Wow! Er… is there a hat?’

‘If you like,’ said Moist generously, folding up the sheet of stamps and putting them in his inside pocket. So much more convenient than dollars. Wow, indeed. ‘Or perhaps a shirt?’ he added. ‘You know… “Ask Me About Stamps”?’

‘Good idea, sir! Can I go and tell Mr Groat, sir? He’d be so proud of me!’

‘Off you go, Stanley,’ said Moist. ‘But come back in ten minutes, will you? I’ll have a letter for you to deliver - personally.’

Stanley ran off.

Moist opened the wooden box, which fanned out its trays obediently, and flexed his fingers.

Hmm. It seemed that anyone who was, well, anyone in the city had their paper printed by Teemer and Spools. Moist thumbed through his recently acquired paper samples, and spotted:

The Grand Trunk Company

‘As Fast As Light’

From the Office of the Chairman

It was tempting. Very tempting. They were rich, very rich. Even with the current trouble, they were still very big. And Moist had never met a head waiter who hated money.

He found a copy of yesterday’s Times . There’d been a picture… yes, here. There was a picture of Reacher Gilt, chairman of the Grand Trunk, at some function. He looked like a better class of pirate, a buccaneer maybe, but one who took the time to polish his plank. That flowing black hair, that beard, that eyepatch and, oh gods, that cockatoo… that was a Look, wasn’t it?

Moist hadn’t paid much attention to the Grand Trunk Company. It was too big, and from what he’d heard it practically employed its own army. Things could be tough in the mountains, where you were often a long way from anything that resembled a watchman. It wasn’t a good idea to steal things from people who did their own law enforcement. They tended to be very definite.

But what he was intending wouldn’t be stealing. It might not even be breaking the law. Fooling a maitre d’ was practically a public service.

He looked at the picture again. Now, how would a man like that sign his name?

Hmm… flowing yet small, that would be the handwriting of Reacher Gilt. He was so florid, so sociable, so huge a personality that one who was good at this sort of thing might wonder if another shard of glass was trying to sparkle like a diamond. And the essence of forgery is to make, by misdirection and careful timing, the glass look so much more like a diamond than a diamond does.

Well, it was worth a try. It was not as though he was going to swindle anyone, as such.

Hmm. Small yet flowing, yes… but someone who’d never seen the man’s writing would expect it to be extravagantly big and curly, just like him…

Moist poised the pen over the headed paper, and then wrote:

Maоtre d’,

Le foie Heuieux,

I would be most grateful if you could find a table for my good friend Mr. Lipwig and his lady at eight o’clock tonight.

Reacher Gilt

Most grateful, that was good. The Reacher Gilt persona probably tipped like a drunken sailor.

He folded the letter, and was addressing the envelope when Stanley and Groat came in.

‘You’ve got a letter, Mr Lipwig,’ said Stanley proudly.

‘Yes, here it is,’ said Moist,

‘No, I mean here’s one for you,’ said the boy. They exchanged envelopes. Moist glanced cursorily at the envelope, and opened it with a thumb.

‘I’ve got bad news, sir,’ said Groat, as Stanley left.