Going Postal полностью

Miss Dearheart gave him a very brief look, and shook her head. There was movement under the table, a small fleshy kind of noise and the drunk suddenly bent forward, colour draining from his face. Probably only he and Moist heard Miss Dearheart purr: ‘What is sticking in your foot is a Mitzy “Pretty Lucretia” four-inch heel, the most dangerous footwear in the world. Considered as pounds per square inch, it’s like being trodden on by a very pointy elephant. Now, I know what you’re thinking: you’re thinking, “Could she press it all the way through to the floor?” And, you know, I’m not sure about that myself. The sole of your boot might give me a bit of trouble, but nothing else will. But that’s not the worrying part. The worrying part is that I was forced practically at knifepoint to take ballet lessons as a child, which means I can kick like a mule; you are sitting in front of me; and I have another shoe . Good, I can see you have worked that out. I’m going to withdraw the heel now.’

There was a small ‘pop’ from under the table. With great care the man stood up, turned and, without a backward glance, lurched unsteadily away.

‘Can I bother you?’ said Moist. Miss Dearheart nodded, and he sat down, with his legs crossed. ‘He was only a drunk,’ he ventured.

‘Yes, men say that sort of thing,’ said Miss Dearheart. ‘Anyway, tell me that if I hadn’t done that you wouldn’t now be trying to collect all your teeth in your hat. Which you are not wearing, I notice. This must be your secret identity. Sorry, was that the wrong thing to say? You spilled your drink.’

Moist wiped beer off his lapel. ‘No, this is me,’ he said. ‘Pure and unadorned.’

‘You hardly know me and yet you invited me out on a date,’ said Miss Dearheart. ‘Why?’

Because you called me a phoney, Moist thought. You saw through me straight away. Because you didn’t nail my head to the door with your crossbow. Because you have no small talk. Because I’d like to get to know you better, even though it would be like smooching an ashtray. Because I wonder if you could put into the rest of your life the passion you put into smoking a cigarette. In defiance of Miss Maccalariat I’d like to commit hanky-panky with you, Miss Adora Belle Dearheart… well, certainly hanky, and possibly panky when we get to know one another better. I’d like to know as much about your soul as you know about mine…

He said : ‘Because I hardly know you.’

‘If it comes to that, I hardly know you, either,’ said Miss Dearheart.

‘I’m rather banking on that,’ said Moist. This got a smile.

‘Smooth answer. Slick. Where are we really eating tonight?’

‘Le Foie Heureux, of course,’ said Moist.

She looked genuinely surprised. ‘You got a reservation?’

‘Oh, yes.’

‘You’ve got a relative that works there, then? You’re blackmailing the maоtre d’?’

‘No. But I’ve got a table for tonight,’ said Moist.

‘Then it’s some sort of trick,’ said Miss Dearheart. ‘I’m impressed. But I’d better warn you, enjoy the meal. It may be your last.’

‘What?’

‘The Grand Trunk Company kills people, Mr Lipwig. In all kinds of ways. You must be getting on Reacher Gilt’s nerves.’

‘Oh, come on ! I’m barely a wasp at their picnic!’

‘And what do people do to wasps, do you think?’ said Miss Dearheart. ‘The Trunk is in trouble, Mr Lipwig. The company has been running it as a machine for making money. They thought repair would be cheaper than maintenance. They’ve cut everything to the bone - to the bone . They’re people who can’t take a joke. Do you think Reacher Gilt will hesitate for one minute to swat you?’

‘But I’m being very—’ Moist tried.

‘Do you think you’re playing a game with them? Ringing doorbells and running away? Gilt’s aiming to become Patrician one day, everyone says so. And suddenly there’s this… this idiot in a big gold hat reminding everyone what a mess the clacks is, poking fun at it, getting the Post Office working again—’

‘Hang on, hang on,’ Moist managed. ‘This is a city, not some cow town somewhere! People don’t kill business rivals just like that, do they?’

‘In Ankh-Morpork? You really think so? Oh, he won’t kill you. He won’t even bother with the formality of going through the Guild of Assassins. You’ll just die. Just like my brother. And he’ll be behind it.’

‘Your brother?’ said Moist. On the far side of the huge room, the evening’s fight began with a well-executed Looking-At-Me-In-A-Funny-Way, earning two points and a broken tooth.