Into the Abyss полностью

Good grief! Here he was getting all these weird paternalistic feelings all of the sudden. He’d never even thought about having kids. Only as one of those distant certainties in the future. Of course, he supposed that if he did have a kid, he’d want one just like Rupert. Strong, smart, independent, but who occasionally needed a hug. Needed support now and then.

Another log to the bonfire of my emotional instability, Tom thought. He really didn’t know how to feel about this Rupert thing. He did care about Rupert, a lot. Rupert was in some ways the little brother he’d never had, or the son he might actually like to have some day. As a friend though, he owed Rupert the truth, even though it would surely hurt him. Tom felt sick about even deceiving Rupert by not saying anything. Yet the thought of crushing Rupert’s dreams with the truth made him just as sick, or more so. What could he do? He leaned his chin down against the top of Rupert’s head.

When added to his other uncertainties, about his humanity, about being a demon, when added to his still lingering anxiety about the death of his real body, and the pain it must have caused his mom, this whole Rupert situation only served to mess up Tom’s emotions like a meat grinder. Tom realized suddenly, that maybe what really sucked about this whole Astlan thing, was not being a demon, it was not being enslaved, it was not just being hated by every rational creature; no, what really sucked was the confusion and uncertainty it brought to his life.

It was confusion and uncertainty about who he was, what he was doing and what was the right thing to do. He no longer knew his place in the world; he didn’t know where he stood. If only he were Rupert’s father, or at least older, maybe old enough to be Rupert’s father. He was pretty sure if he was an adult, he wouldn’t have this confusion, this uncertainty. He was sure he’d know what the right thing to do was. He’d be the sort of person Rupert really could look up to.

Tom shook his hand slightly as he cut it on the tip of one of Rupert’s horns. From the texture of his skin, and the sudden lack of hair, Tom could tell that Rupert had relaxed back to his demon form. Luckily, Tom had raised his head or he’d have been stabbed in the chin by a horn. He could also tell because Rupert was a lot bigger now, and weighed more. Actually, Rupert was probably now bigger than Edwyrd. If Edwyrd were to change back into Tom, then proportions would return to normal, but there certainly wasn’t room for that. As it was, Rupert’s wings were brushing against the overhead bunk.

He supposed that it must look a little strange for pasty little human to be holding and comforting a demon bigger than himself. Tom didn’t really care though. As he’d been wishing others would understand, it wasn’t the outside that mattered, but what was inside. What was inside was a confused and frightened little boy going through rough times. Someone who needed, and thought they’d found, their father.

Well, maybe for a while, Tom thought. For a while, he’d let Rupert have his father, or the next best thing. He didn’t like the deception, and knew there would eventually be consequences for it, but for the moment, it seemed like the only option humanly possible. He stared off into the dark, gently stroking his “son’s” head.

Since Tom no longer slept, except when severely drained, he needed to find some other way to occupy his nights. Lately, he’d been trying meditation. One of the worst things about not sleeping was that one never had the chance to just escape from having to think about things. A person who didn’t sleep couldn’t escape to oblivion for a short while. In order to simulate this, and to preserve appearances with the humans around him, Tom had decided to try and meditate.

He’d learned the basic techniques in his Tae-Kwon-Do classes, he’d also used it several times already in Astlan to allow him to open the gates and to do the fire thing. Last night he’d blanked his mind completely while Rupert and Gastropé had slept. He’d just picture a completely blank state, and slowly try to relax all the muscles in his body. The problem, of course, was that unlike in his demon body where it worked fine, if he relaxed too much as Edwyrd, he’d find himself putting holes in the ship’s walls. Eventually, with some practice he managed if not a completely satisfactory meditative state, at least one that allowed him to blank his mind a bit.

He’d been doing this for some time, his hand resting on Rupert’s head, listening to the ship and the sea, just being lulled by the gentle motion of a ship at sea. As far as he could tell, it must have been some time in the early morning hours when he heard the voice out the open window behind his head.